The Sixteenth Minute

Closing up shop

2006-05-10T22:13:00.000-04:00

Blogging bores me. I'm running off and joining the circus. Ciao.

What Would Beetlejuice Do?

2006-05-02T20:23:00.000-04:00

Somedays you just need to put yourself in the shoes of Tim Burton's pseudopsychotic, near-omnipotent bio-exorcist and say "How would Beetlejuice (Betelgeuse...whatever) handle this?" Never underestimate the power to turn yourself into a giant snake and put people into polyester leisure suits at will. It can be a great thing.

You can always tell what's on the pay channels when I'm blogging and have nothing better to talk about.

Scooped by Stereogum

2006-05-01T21:23:00.000-04:00

I just had to go and rant about the Usher-Nazis at the ballgame. I had to defer what I was initially going to post about for a day. And Stereogum had to go and post about it today and make me look like a second-rate poser plagiarist. I'm not saying that I'm not, but there's still no need to draw even more attention to it.

Anyways, I was going to talk about how I had downloaded a great mp3 from a band called Cold War Kids. I was going to talk about how Hospital Beds is such a ridiculously good song that I'm considering ordering the EPs that this band is selling themselves. I was going to say all that stuff, but now that they are officially a Stereogum "Band To Watch", there's no need. Anyone who cares already knows.

I take little comfort in the fact that he probably discovered them at Gorilla vs. Bear just like I did. Very little comfort.

Take Fun Out Of The Ballgame

2006-04-30T21:10:00.000-04:00

Truly a magnificent weekend for a baseball game. The sun was shining, the beer was flowing, and the Twins were playing like a Little League team. Oh it was glorious.

But what the hell is up with the usher-Nazis at Comerica Park? Prior experience has shown that they won't allow people to move forward into empty seats, even after it becomes completely apparent that the seats won't be filled. But this weekend, the SS hit a new low.

Out in the bleachers, a slightly-inebriated gentleman walked to the front of the section in an attempt to start the wave. After unintelligently getting the section to do the wave into the centerfield wall, help was on the way and the section next to us (going in the right direction this time) was on board. The city that invented the wave was about to get one going.

But no. Heaven forbid. Because the Queen Usher-Nazi came to the front and said, while she loved the team spirit, the folks trying to get the wave off the ground had to return to their seats. The city that invented the wave was cockblocked by some douchebag in an office writing rules that don't make sense.

The Tigers haven't had a winning team in 13 years. They don't sell games out. Until recently, there hasn't even been interest in the sport. In the interest of encouraging attendance and fan interest, shouldn't the Copa consider maybe relaxing on the stupid rules and letting the fans indulge in some harmless fun?

At least I finally got my old English D hat this weekend.

The List - 4/23 thru 4/28

2006-04-27T20:43:00.000-04:00

Oh it's time for the second edition of The List. You know...because the first one went so well.

The Good
Pistons up 2-0 on the Bucks.

The Bad
Year 2 of The B-Dawg calling me at least twice a night during each Piston playoff game. Wait at least until the Conference Finals, man!

The Ugly
The fact that we've started to refer to people who get too drunk, hug you, have to get way up in your face to talk to you and end up somehow getting puke on the floor as "B-Dawging it". I'm in no rush to send him a link to this.

The Horrifyingly Bizzare
My strange attraction to Ann Coulter. I don't get it either.

The Reasonably Cool
The Lemonheads sign to Vagrant Records, joining another seminal rocker in Paul Westerberg and a little band I kind of like known as The Hold Steady.

They are also now sharing a label with such vomit-inducing emo bands such as Dashboard Confessional, The New Amsterdams/Get-Up Kids, and once-upon-a-time Sixteenth Minute guilty pleasure-band Saves The Day. I'm still very sorry that I made J-Rob sit through that with me, although it was definitely worth it to see Grandaddy.

The Funny Thing
J-Rob's growing concern that he's become a recurring character on this blog. You're the only real person I talk about this stuff with, man!

The Very Cool
Wall of Sound revival music in the form of The Pipettes, The Carrots, and Detroit's own Saturday Looks Good To Me. Does this mean that The Raveonettes will be considered trendsetters if this sound really takes off?

The Most Disturbing Headline I saw on CNN.com
"Mom in coffin mix-up demands, 'I want my baby'"

Second Most Disturbing Headline I saw on CNN.com
"'Little Mermaid' baby making strides"

Scary Thought
Was one of those really more or less disturbing than the other?

Just Because
Godspeed You Black Emperor!

Best way to spend $.99 at the iTunes Music Store
"Leif Erikson" by Interpol

Have a good weekend and pray the Lions draft a wide receiver.

I need to go CD shopping

2006-04-26T19:18:00.000-04:00

I'm getting twitchy. I haven't been to a record store since my used CD splurge a few weeks ago and I haven't purchased anything new since the Mylo/Band of Horses order around the same time. I need new music!

But I'm being strong. I need to hold out until May because that month is going to break my disposable income budget for most of the summer. Here's just a short list of what I'm looking forward to:

The Walkmen - Hundred Miles Off
I can't really express how much I am looking forward to this one. Their last album, Bows + Arrows, was firmly entrenched in my CD player a full year before they showed up on The O.C. I know that back in 2004, everyone was going apeshit over Funeral by The Arcade Fire, but I think I liked this one better. And that's saying a lot.

Sereena Maneesh - Serena Maneesh
Norwegian shoegaze. Norwegian-fucking-shoegaze. It's been out in the EU for over a year, and now it's getting ready to land here. Cannot wait.

Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere
You knew it was coming. Dangermouse and Cee-Lo Green cranking out psychadelic hip-hop. Dangermouse also did The Mouse and the Mask with MF Doom, and he helped produce the last Gorillaz record, which is interesting me more and more each passing day. As for Gnarls, "Crazy" might just end up being the song of the year.

Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam
Oh yeah. I'll never get sick of these guys. NEVER. I hear that this album might be their best in years, because they may have been phoning it in for their past few to fulfill their contract. And I liked their past few albums.

Side note: I caught Hype!, a 1996 documentary about the Seattle music scene of the 80s/early 90s last night and Eddie Vedder was featured prominently. Man...That guy is one jaded mo-fo!

The Twilight Singers - Powder Burns
Greg Dulli is God. And I mean that in most heretical way possible, because I know he would want me to. If I was forced to find a drawback to any of the Singers' records, it would be that they aren't The Afghan Whigs. Oh well.

I know there will be more. I'm sure there are some that I've forgotten. And I know I'll see something else shiny and interesting or I'll make the foolish mistake of trying something on a listening station. On or around May 23 I'm heading to the store with a mind to buy and little to no regard for how much money I spend.

These are my benders.

When Words Fail

2006-04-25T20:28:00.000-04:00

This is perhaps the singularly most unexpected and creepy thing I can imagine right now. I'm going to hide under the bed.

See more clips from Sesame Street here. Thanks to Pop Candy for the link.

Puzzlement abounds

2006-04-24T19:59:00.000-04:00

Vintage t-shirts kick ass. Now I'm not even going to try and discuss exactly what makes a t-shirt "vintage", but they kick ass. I myself prefer the ones that contain irreverent witticisms. Like Sasquatch Stole My Underpants.

Yes. I own one of those.

But let's be frank. T-shirts at places like The Cotton Factory only cost like $15-$20. So when you get the Jim Morrison or Jimi Hendirix t-shirt, it's pretty clear that it's not an original. No, the twenty-something hipster with the shaggy locks, pre-worn jeans and canvas sneakers did not, in fact, purchase that shirt at a Jimi Hendrix concert. He may not even own a Jimi Hendrix CD. But damn it if he doesn't look cool in the shirt.

Now I can't speak for the cool kids in New York or San Francisco, but I'm reasonably sure that most of those around these parts who dig these kinds of shirts pick them up at thrift stores, the internet or Hot Topic. That is to say, these shirts are affordable. I don't see a guy in a I Pity The Fool shirt and think "Lawyer" or "Doctor" or "Any kind of guy that can afford and would wear a t-shirt that cost more than 30 bucks".

Then I go and see this. This, in and of itself, doesn't scare me. I can see charging $1250 for a t-shirt signed by 27 of the performers from a massive concert event. But look again. Look right below the price.

Sizing directions.

What kind of person spends that kind of scratch on a signed t-shirt and wears it?

Now this is an extreme example. I looked at most of the shirts for sale. Lots were in the $50-$70 range. Much more reasonable, right?

I mean, who wouldn't want to wear an authentic t-shirt from the Jesse Colin Young Light Shine Tour?

Keeping it real is good. But not if it means paying $50 for a t-shirt. I can look a much better kind of cool for that kind of money.

The Myth Of Hockeytown

2006-04-23T19:46:00.000-04:00

I like taking stances that defy convention. It makes me feel rebellious.

One of the conventions that comes with living in the Detroit area is that you are a Red Wings fan. When the playoffs begin, you not only care but also have to be prepared to discuss the current situation with any given jackass off the street. "Hey. D'you catch last night's Wings' game?" is a siren song whose call cannot be refused. It's supposed to be ingrained into our genetics as residents of Southeastern Michigan. We have our Red Wings, our Coney Dogs, our Bob Seger, our Kid Rock and our White Stripes. These things are more or less sacrosanct.

Well fuck that. Give me Coney Dogs and Seger and keep the rest. I'm not going to waste my energy feigning interest in anything hockey-related from here forward. Any attempts to engage me in discussion about the NHL Playoffs will be met with a hearty "Fuck hockey!"

But my issue here isn't hockey on the whole. It's local Red Wings fans. Because there is a very noted difference between a hockey fan and a Red Wings fan. A hockey fan can be a Red Wings fan, but a Red Wings fan is almost never a hockey fan.

You see, for most of the 1990s, the Red Wings were the only Detroit sports franchise that had consistent success. The Tigers blew, the Pistons were in transition, and the Lions were just being themselves. Only in the Red Wings could the average Detroiter find a shining example of a winner. Only the Red Wings could provide the terrific sense of community that comes with following a local sports team through the playoffs. You see, Detroiters weren't interested in watching the Red Wings play hockey; they were interested in watching the Red Wings win. So in Detroit's efforts to rebuild it's image over the last decade, it attached itself to the most recognizable positive aspect about itself: it's winning hockey team.

That's fine. We are indeed fair weather fans. The only sport that manages to arouse passion in us whether the team is winning or losing is football.

And nicknaming Detroit "Footballtown" is such a sad idea that I'm simultaneously laughing and crying as I type this.

Look. I'm fine with people loving their Red Wings. I'm not saying they shouldn't. But don't pretend it's hockey that you love. Over the past year when the NHL was on strike, I had many discussions with many so-called "hockey fans" that were lamenting the absence of hockey from their lives. While I don't care for hockey, it's not from ignorance. I know a reasonable amount about the sport, and I consider my decision not to pretend to like it to be an informed one. So during these discussions, I attempted to engage in intelligent discourse about the problems of the game. Almost to a person, the discussions went like this:

"Hockey Fan": Man! Fuck those greedy owners! I can't believe they shut down the season.
Me: But most of the teams in the league are losing money. They aren't creating new fans in the markets that they over-aggressively expanded into.
"HF": No way man. Hockey rules!
Me: Well, you have to admit that clutching and grabbing and the trap defense have made the game kind of tough to watch over the past few years.
"HF": Yeah. But hockey rules!
Me: They're talking about rule changes to open up the game. What do you think about going to Olympic ice?
"HF": ...
Me: Or reducing the penalties for fighting so enforcers have a place in the game again. That Bertuzzi hit on Moore never would have happened with an enforcer on the ice.
"HF": ...
Me: That would mean more fighting. And higher scoring.
"HF": ...
Me: Or you could have shootouts instead of ties. Nobody likes a tie.
"HF": Hockey rules!

The average "Red Wings fan" couldn't even tell me why what he was watching was dull, only that he loved watching it. So long as "it" was the Red Wings winning. Occasionally I'd get an enlightened soul who said that the trap defense was indeed ruining the sport but rule changes would affect the purity of the game. Fine. I can respect that. But there weren't too many of those respectable purists out there.

My point is that Detroit isn't Hockeytown. It's Red Wings-town. And that's cool. But if/when the Wings start losing, all of these "die-hards" will suddenly forget all about it.

Want more proof? Ask yourself what you know about Detroit. I mean the actual city of Detroit. Ask yourself how many actual hockey or Red Wings fans actually live in the city limits. Does it sound right to call a city "Hockeytown" when most of the city's actual residents don't give a shit about the sport?

Finally, let me tell you the final question that I posed to the "Red Wings fans" that I spoke with over the last year, and you decide if this city/area really bleeds with the Red Wings enough to call Detroit "Hockeytown".

"Would you trade all 3 of our Stanley Cups over the past decade for a Lions' Super Bowl?"

The answer was nearly unanimous. And it didn't bode well for those that really believe in "Hockeytown". But it did make me believe in the most fair-weather fans in the country.

Ask and ye shall receive

2006-04-21T17:25:00.000-04:00

Wasn't going to post until Monday but this site is just too awesome. It's called Videoteque and it's a blog dedicated to music videos. It seems like just yesterday that I was lamenting the lack of videos on MTV or elsewhere. Wait, it was yesterday...

The List - Inaugural Edition

2006-04-20T18:09:00.000-04:00

What it is:
A bullet-point collection of the thoughts and such that I had during the week that were too short and too off-point to develop into a full post.

Why it is:
I lose focus as the week progresses and run out of things to talk about by Friday. This will help me fill the void.

Without further ado...

The Good
NBA Playoffs are beginning. Go Pistons!

The Bad
NHL Playoffs are beginning. Who cares?

The Ugly
Puke stains on rugs.

The Terrifyingly Unneccessary
Having a discussion with your father where he tells you he knows what a spinner is.

The Very Cool
The videos for Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" and Wolf Parade's "Modern World". Remember when you used to be able to see things like this on MTV?

Good News For Nickelback
Apparently they don't have the worst song of all time. Who knew?

Bad News For Nickelback
They're still Nickelback.

Bad News For All Non-Deaf People In The World
See above.

Just Because
The Catherine Wheel.

Best Way To Spend $.99 at the iTunes Store
"Banging Camp" by The Hold Steady.

Thing That Almost No One Else Will Get
The content room died two years ago today.

Thing That Really Isn't Coming Off As Witty As I Hoped
This list.

Until next week...

I'd rather be golfing

2006-04-19T19:56:00.000-04:00

But no. My lawn, in a completely unexpected move, came back to life after dying last fall. The newly re-animated zombie grass has risen from the great beyond and demands sacrifice in the form of weekly or bi-weekly mowings. Normally sunlight and holy water are enough to kill these undead abominations, but in this case they seem to be having the opposite effect. Curses!

I never knew that Fall Out Boy and the Killers were feuding. Nor did I care. (What the fuck could these guys be fighting over? Seriously! "We're bigger douches! No! We're bigger douches!") But now it seems that the fine lads in Fall Out Boy are extending the olive branch and trying to make peace.

I can only hope that this dinner date does in fact take place and ends like The Spice Girls vs. Hanson, Celebrity Deathmatch Style.

(Warning: First attempt at embedding a YouTube thingy is about to take place.)

Sweet. It even centered. Marilyn Manson saves the day, as usual.

Procrastination pays off now: 2005 rocked

2006-04-18T17:58:00.000-04:00

Day 2 of the Opera Experiment. There seem to be some small issues with opening Quicktime files and the such in new windows or tabs. Then again, that could just be my fritzy internet connection.

For those that give a shit, you may have noticed that The Hold Steady has insidiously worked it's way back into my car CD player. I can't get enough of it (although I do periodically require a change of pace). It's the record that single-handedly derailed my efforts to compile and post a Best of 2005 list anywhere near the end of last year. Stupid great rock music.

That said, and buoyed by the fact that nothing has really happened lately that makes me think I can write something worth reading, I've decided to toss convention to the wind and post my Best of 2005 musings now in April. I can only hope that people's saturation with other end-of-year lists has subsided. Anyways...

Best Record of 2005 That Wasn't The Hold Steady (aka Best as of 31 December 2005)
A tie between Clap Your Hands Say Yeah: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and Wolf Parade: Apologies to the Queen Mary

I was honestly wavering between these two on about an hourly basis until you-know-who rocked my world. CYHSY rode a tidal wave of young blog-ridden hype into my collection without me ever having heard a song. When I heard the carnival-driven tones of the first track, I thought I'd made a terrible, terrible mistake and stumbled into some post-rock joke that I was doomed not to get. Fortunately, the rest of the album turned out to be flat out spectacular, wearing it's influences on it's sleeve as I debated whether any given track brought to mind The Talking Heads or what little Yo La Tengo I've listened to. "The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth" and "Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood" are my faves. Child stars, indeed.

Wolf Parade arrived in my world the day after CYHSY. I had been listening to the latter pretty much non-stop when I insisted J-Rob come over and check it out. He brought Apologies to the Queen Mary and we held a small listening party. After telling the roommate, whom we graciously allowed to sit in, to kindly shut the fuck up while we listened to our music, it was made abundantly clear who was by far the best of the Wolf-bands from last year (with all apologies to AIDS Wolf). A big deal was made about the recording of the album being done by Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse, and his influences are certainly felt at times. But I have to wonder what they put in the water in Montreal, as the past two years have given us these guys and The Arcade Fire. "Shine a Light" and "Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts" are an irresistable one-two punch at the center on this album.

Best Overhyped Album That Reminded Me Why I Hate Genrefication
Sufjan Stevens: Illinois
I have never had any reason to be interested in "folk" music. While the tradition of "folk" may include Bob Dylan, it also includes Arlo Guthrie. And I still insist that anyone who wasn't alive in the 60s when Dylan was most relevant has little to no business touting his genius (at least to the degree that the morons I knew in college did). The soundtrack of a revolution requires context to truly be understood, and 20-something hipster vultures lack that context.

Back on point...this album was great and it infuriates me that I was so quick to dismiss it based on it's stereotypification (is that a word?) as "folk". Either that or my incredibly myopic idea of what constitutes "folk" is even worse than I thought.

Best Album That Made Me Reconsider My Stance On Remixes...for about a minute
Bloc Party: Silent Alarm Remixed
This took BALLS. To offer a remix of an already great album in the same year that the album came out? This was bold. This was brassy.

I, myself, have never been brassy. Kudos.

Best Albums By Bands That Could Totally Be Forgiven For Phoning In Their Next Records-or-Three
The New Pornographers: Twin Cinema and Sigur Ros: Takk...
Seriously kids. Take it easy on yourselves. You've earned a little slack.

And someone please tell me how to make the little acute accent over the "o" in "Ros".

Best Record Featuring a Loud, Obnoxious, Cartoon Milkshake
DangerDoom: The Mouse & The Mask
MF Doom is good. Dangermouse is good. The Williams Street gang from Adult Swim is outstanding. So was this record.

Just for the hell of it
LCD Soundsystem
Anytime you get a record this good out of the used bin, you keep the receipt. Or find the person who sold it back and encourage them not to breed. Or both.

Beacuse it needed to be said
Royksopp
I need to find their first record. And how to make an umlaut.

Record That Probably Would Have Rounded Out The Top Five If I Felt Like Doing Things In A Linear Manner
Wilderness: Wilderness
I SO can't wait to get the follow up to this one.

Two Words To Describe What I'm Looking Forward To That Hasn't Been Released In The U.S. Yet (that aren't Gnarls Barkley)
Serena Maneesh

That's about all I feel like getting into. I also liked Franz Ferdinand and Frank Black last year, and Audioslave was so bad that it made me want to vomit blood. But at least it's on file now. If I forgot it, I probably don't own it. Such is the tragedy of not being able to put all of my disposable income into music, or being cool enough that I could invest that income well without recommendation.

So this is what the cool kids are doing...

2006-04-17T17:36:00.000-04:00

First blog post using the Opera browser. The first irritating thing that I've noticed is that hitting Ctrl-B opens some kind of Help page rather than allowing me to type in bold. In fact, it looks like I'm going to have to do my entries directly in HTML. This could get ugly.

(Update: I see that Opera is not yet Blogger-friendly. Tits.)

I now have Opera on my laptop because it was installed by a youngster who may or may not have been inebriated (I didn't see him drink anything. Honest.) at my house on Saturday. He said it's better than Firefox and IE put together. Ok. But karma is a bitch. One kid gets corrupted at your house and you end up with a puke stain on your living room carpet and a giant pink dildo hidden inside your desktop computer.

I have sick friends.

Didn't have time to post a lot last week because I forgot that when work sends me offsite, it's to do a shitload of actual work and I don't much feel like blogging after a good 11 hours at work doing that. Sorry.

All you may have missed out on is my excitement over the new Wilderness record. 7.5 was the rating, which puts it firmly at "I'll probably really like it" on my scale of Pitchfork-to-me ratings translation.

However, due to constricting financial concerns, I probably won't be obtaining this record until may, when several other records that I am severely excited about come out. The Twilight Singers comes to mind, and it's going to get expensive from there. To whichever record store I choose to grace with my spending spree: I am a major cash windfall. Pander to me.

I'm back. Hopefully my schedule permits me to stay that way.

It's too nice out to blog...

2006-04-11T17:28:00.000-04:00

I think it would be nice to hear a human interest story about a young girl who actually did put herself through college by doing porn and ended up with a great job. How come we never hear about things like that?

Fuck this. I'm going outside.

Everything All Of The Time

2006-04-10T11:50:00.000-04:00

Ahhh. Work has taken me off-site this week. While that means that I have to go out for lunch, rather than enjoying sandwiches in the warm, cheap comfort of my rental home, it does mean that I get to sit and sponge free wi-fi while I eat. I could do that at home, but it just feels so much more insubordinate to do it elsewhere. Cry anarchy!

So, about that Band of Horses CD. Let's get it out of the way..."The Funeral" is going to be on my shortlist of favorite songs of 2006. Hands down, bar none, in-the-fucking-bag, It's that good. The only downside to a song like that is that it generally tends to be the apex of an album and you find yourself resenting the other songs for not living up to that standard. And that bar can get pretty damned high.

But that's why you listen to CDs multiple times. Sure, "The Funeral" is the best song on the record, but after a few spins I realized I was humming along with most of the other songs as well. They'd even be in my head after I was done. The songs have a very subdued verse style that either remains low-key or grows into an intense chorus. Either way, it's great stuff.

What to compare it to? I wish I was able to buy all the CDs I wanted so I could provide a proper frame of reference. But that's why I'm just a total, full-of-shit blogger and not a journalist working for a music publication. I have no aspirations of quitting my day job. If you like indie-pop that can be categorized as "pretty", there's a good chance you'll like this CD. Call it early Coldplay if Coldplay wasn't so concerned about making everybody like them.

God, I hate comparing something I like to Coldplay. May I be forgiven for the insult.

(Who am I kidding? "Speed of Sound" was the shit.)

Nothing else new to report short of talking about the unintentional comedy that is on display in the bars and clubs of Royal Oak. Not to be a hater, but here's some free advice to the free world: If your best (and only) dance move is essentially running in place to the beat (more or less), you probably shouldn't approach girls on the dance floor using said move. It's telling when the girls would rather dance with me and my "rhythmless white man" impression.

Hey...I only almost elbowed a girl in the face.

The metaphor of the thumb

2006-04-07T20:15:00.000-04:00

Once upon at time, a dashing young cubicle jockey had to use the restroom at work. He went and discovered, much to his chagrin, that the restroom on his floor was temporarily closed for cleaning. Undaunted, he went upstairs to use the bathroom on that floor.

Upon arrival, he discovered that the latch to the stall door he was attempting to lock was installed incorrectly; the piece on the door didn't line up with the piece on the frame. Feeling the need for privacy, he he able to force the two pieces into proper alignment and locked the door. When his need was fulfilled and his business completed, he again struggled to open the latch. He finally succeeded, but only after pinching the skin at the tip of this right thumb between the pieces of the latch. In slight discomfort, he paid it no mind and returned to his floor.

During his return journey, he had opportunity to wave to one of the many cute girls that work around him. After the wave, with a smile on his face, he felt a sticky sensation on the same right hand that had been so integral to the opening of the dastardly latch. Examining his hand, what he saw was the second worst thing a man can see on his hand after dropping a deuce in the bathroom: blood. Apparently, when he pinched his thumb in the latch, he had done so to such a degree that it had caused a deep cut in the skin, which was now bleeding.

And not just on the hand. He immediately checked and found that blood had streaked on his shirt and pants during the walk downstairs. "Goodness," he said. "I'm bleeding all over myself. If only I had worn darker, less valuable clothing on casual Fridays like everyone else. These Dockers might be ruined!"

He attempted to rinse the blood out with cool water, but to no avail. He knew that his only chance to save the shirt and pants was to rinse them with hydrogen peroxide. But where to find such a thing at the office? Ah ha! The occupational health center!

Somewhat similar in nature to a school nurse, the health center held basic medical supplies for small emergencies. Although the cut was really rather minor, the dashing cubicle jockey felt more vanity for his pants than pride in his toughness. He made his way to the health center.

Arriving at the health center, he politely asked the attending nurse or temp or whomever she was for a bandage and some hydrogen peroxide. She replied, "You don't use peroxide on a cut like that."

"It's not for the cut. It's for this," and he gestured to his pants.

"Oh." She led him to the back.

During the short trip to the back, he explained how he had obtained the injury. She immediately asked, "Do you want a tetanus shot?"

Being practical, he replied, "Is it going to cost me anything?" He didn't particularly want a shot, but hey, if it was free, why not?

She indicated that she would have to refer him to a health clinic down the road to administer the shot. Thinking about it, he decided that pinching his thumb between two pieces of chromed metal probably didn't merit actually driving somewhere to get a shot. He politely refused, explaining, "It's not that serious. I wouldn't have come down here if I hadn't needed your peroxide."

While she cleaned and dressed the wound, she continued on, asking him if he wanted to file a work-related injury report. Then she again recommended getting the tetanus shot. Once again he politely refused. His thumb cleaned and bandaged, and his shirt and pants rescued by the grace of a God who invented hydrogen peroxide, he thanked the woman/nurse/temp and returned to his desk to muddle the way through the rest of his day.

Upon arriving at home for the weekend, he chose to write an entry about the situation in his blog rather than talking about the Band of Horses CD that he hadn't gathered his thoughts on yet. He called it a "metaphor", even though there was nothing slightly metaphoric about it. He just hoped people would think it sounded cool.

The end.

Q + A with the Author (me)

2006-04-06T19:11:00.000-04:00

Where the fuck have you been?
Shit happens. I've spent the last two nights rebuilding my desktop PC, which tried to eat itself last week.

What the hell does The Sixteenth Minute mean?
It's a play on the expression "fifteen minutes of fame". It means that I generally discover stuff like music after it's been declared cool; I'm not good enough to get in on the ground floor.

Why do you hate on The Killers so much?
Short answer: they're terrible. Slightly longer answer: I like "Mr. Brightside", but every other song I've heard by them is derivative and annoying. Their music is generally a grotesque pastiche of better "neo-new wave" bands that are out today. And they're arrogant fucks.

Won't you get kicked out of Southeastern Michigan for ripping on The White Stripes the way you do?
Probably. But God help me, I really feel they've accomplished everything they can as a two piece and I hate it when a band keeps recycling the same sound or material over and over again. Or it might be since I live in the Detroit area, I've just suffered from Jack and Meg overload. Plus, Jack's a arrogant fuck.

Is their anything you like that normal people may have heard of?
Yes.

Isn't doing a Q + A with yourself slightly unhealthy?
Probably, but I'm a little short on material this week and I felt the need to post something today. I'll try and talk about the Band of Horses CD tomorrow.

Mondays, Mylo and fun stuff at Pitchfork

2006-04-03T19:14:00.000-04:00

Nothing like coming back from a long weekend spent on an impromptu trip to a college town to drop excessive amounts of money on a mountain bike and party with the dregs of Generation Y. My God, how I weep for the youth.

At least my generation knows that you don't have to let cops into your party.

Been getting WAY into the Destroy Rock & Roll by Mylo. "In Your Arms" has tapped into my love for all things 80s by looping "Bette Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes into a techno'd up piece of gold. It's probably the best techno/dance I've listened to since I heard Paul Oakenfold's Tranceport during that whole dalliance that mainstream taste had with the genre in the late 90s.

Yes. I said "dalliance". Don't dilute yourselves, all you ravers and technophiles: average Joe music fan doesn't give a shit about your music for the most part, no matter how prevalent you think your "scene" has become. Movement (aka The Detroit Electronic Music Festival) was only as popular as it was because there was free admission. It'll never be as huge now that people have to pay for it, and that's a direct indictment of your "scene".

Why, no. I've never met any members of that particular scene that were even more insufferable douches about their music than I am about mine. Why do you ask?

Moving forward...I found lots of interesting stuff at Pitchfork today. First there was the incredibly interesting article about the status of the RIAA's persecution of file sharers.

Unsolicited flash editorial from the author: I don't condone stealing music. I stopped downloading mp3s through P2P services years ago, although I'll obviously still download stuff that is released with the consent of the artist. I don't burn the CDs that I buy for anyone. I purchase tracks off of iTunes. That said, I don't believe that downloading music is a crime; being forced to pay $18 for a Steve Miller CD when you know the only song you give a shit about is "The Joker", however, should be punishable by castration.

Prosecution of "illegal" file sharers, in my opinion, is just the RIAA's way of getting revenge on the world for getting caught with their pants down when it came to the whole digital music revolution. It's your fault you didn't try to leverage the new medium when it became obvious that it was going to be big. It's here to stay. Just look at Gnarls Barkley. Quit taking it out on your clientele.

The 'Fork also gave the new Flaming Lips record a 6.7 rating. Experience has taught me that anytime they give a record by an established band a rating between 6 and 7, they're basically saying that they hate it, but are too afraid to say so because the band in question has too much "cred". Anyone who reads that review knows that the reviewer hates the record or doesn't "get it", and lacks the onions to say so.

Finally, PF tells me that Courtney Love has sold a 25% stake in Nirvana's catalogue. Oh you marvelous crackwhore. How the fuck did you end up with a 98% stake when Dave and Krist did all the work? You bitch.

It's all good

2006-03-30T16:35:00.000-05:00

I'm done with work until Monday.

Band of Horses is on my iTunes. Mylo is on deck.

And the rumors of The Replacements cutting new tracks is true.

The new songs, "Message to the Boys" and "Pool & Dive" will be featured on a retrospective, which is industry-speak for "Greatest Hits Album" when the band in question didn't really have any "hits", so to speak. I suppose it beats calling it a "Best of...".

The album looks to feature material from their days on TwinTone Records, which I can only assume means that the band did not, in fact, steal the master tapes and throw them in some river in Minnesota after signing to a major label. That, my friends, is a good thing, because yours truly is tired of listening to "Within Your Reach" in that muted version that appears on most early 80s CDs.

Why not buy the remastered versions, you ask? Several reasons. One...I had all of The 'Mats' records before the remasters came out, and despite the fact that I got most of them used, I had a real problem with buying the same albums twice. I oppose the cheap marketing ploy that is remastering and remixing in an effort to squeeze extra blood from the rock that is my bank account. Shame on you, record companies. Shame.

Two...the above article inidicates that a comprehensive boxed set is forthcoming sometime next year. I may refuse to buy a remaster that I already own, but I have no problem buying a remaster if you put it in a snazzy package with other remasters and possibly some other shit which, while being reasonably cool, does nothing to justify the obscene price that will undoubtedly be attached to said collection.

Nobody ever said music snobs made sense.

(I also have no problem buying an album twice if for whatever reason, my first copy of it "mysteriously disappears", such as was the case with my copy of All For Nothing/Nothing For All, the first Replacements "retrospective" that didn't include the TwinTone stuff, but did include some cool B-sides and rarities. Ahem.)

I may post my thoughts on the new CDs tomorrow or next week. Haven't decided. I just know that for the right now, it's all good (and alright, for that matter).

Quit teasing me

2006-03-29T16:30:00.000-05:00

Oh you magnificent bastards (of young)! Don't you do this to me. I've lived long enough to see one band that I idolize reform for at least a tour (The Pixies). Don't start jerking me off about another one if you're not going to follow through.

Remaining members of prodigal 80s rock band The Replacements may be in the studio laying down new tracks. (Thanks Pop Candy)

Whether it's true or not, we don't know.

Whether these may be tracks for a speculated box set (which I would have to buy despite owning every CD they've made, short of the impossible to find Shit, Shower and Shave), we don't know.

Whether it means that Tommy Stinson has finally realized that playing guitar for whatever abominable shit that's passing itself off as Guns N'Roses isn't really worth it, we don't know.

I have to admit, the mere idea that The 'Mats could reunite and record new songs before The Chinese Democracy ever sees the light of day makes me positively giddy. Well...maybe not giddy, but man would that be funny.

Just make it true! Just one new song would be fantastic!

And if they wanted to throw a tour in there...that's ok too.

Hey! Maybe some music...stuff.

2006-03-28T17:05:00.000-05:00

Enough ranting about sports. God will have his vengeance on all of the Morrison haters (or A-Mo as I like to call him).

Should be another decent week around here music-wise. Mylo and Band of Horses should be arriving shortly. Mylo came out almost two years ago in the U.K., which makes me think that my British brethren are holding back the good shit to punish me for hating on all of the stuff they overhype. The Go! Team had to re-record some tracks to release their record here because the U.K. version had some "questionable" samples, and now this. Fine. Occasionally you guys get the inside track on great music.

I'll still never forgive you for thinking The Killers matter.

Band of Horses also excites me greatly. As my longtime reader(s?) remember, I kind of went apeshit over The Funeral. I don't hesitate to say that even if that's the only good song on the CD, it will have been worth the purchase.

I highly doubt that will be the case. But I have been wrong.

All that remains today is general media desiderata.

Kill me now. Kurt would have HATED shit like that.

Three words: Gnarls fucking Barkley. Cee-Lo and Dangermouse. DM's collaboration with MF Doom (aka DangerDoom) was stellar, and judging by the track GB is beaming, it'll be just as good.

Finally...a few cool mp3 sites are added to the roll. Who Needs Radio is an excellent, ecletic, multi-authored site who just seem to be doing it out of love for music. Carry on, guys.

And tmwsiy* has also been bringing the hook-up with the good stuff. Give both sites a check.

Hang the Sportswriters

2006-03-27T19:21:00.000-05:00

I could absolutely kill the sportswriters today.

All weekend really. Those insipid douchenozzles have been endlessly ripping Gonzaga's Adam Morrison since his team lost in the Elite Eight of the NCAA Tournament. Why? Because the guy had the audacity to cry when his team blew a lead in the waning minutes of the game. Heaven forfend.

They've been posting pictures of his pained visage. They've been endlessly beating the drum about how it should affect his draft status. About half a dozen of the unoriginal hacks made some wisecrack about how Morrison has greater claim to LSU's Glen "Big Baby" Davis's nickname.

Hysterical. Really. Pat yourselves on the backs and remember how you were all cut from any and every sports team you ever tried out for.

The world needs to chill the fuck out about this. Sure, he may have started losing it with time left in the game when he could have been going for the game-tying/winning shot, but let's not forget one simple fact.

He's only 21 years old.

God forbid he be competitive. God forbid he be emotionally invested in the game. God forbid he wear his heart on his sleeve.

God forbid he act his age.

The writers can crack bitter all they want. In anywhere from the next 6 to 18 months (depending if he decides to stay in school or not), Adam Morrison will be making more money than all of them put together, be more famous than all of them put together, and he'll be fucking supermodels and groupies that put their wives to shame.

You rock on, Adam Morrison. Never change and never shave.

The World is a Strange Place

2006-03-24T15:57:00.000-05:00

Most days, I think I have pretty firm grasp on things. I admit that there's a lot that I don't understand in this world, but I feel like very little should be able to leave me slack-jawed and stupified at what people are doing with their spare time.

And the world, how it enjoys proving me wrong! For there can be no other explanation for cutouts of Val Kilmer's head appearing all over the streets of Toronto. I recognize that celebrity worship is a sad fact of human existence in today's society and that people are going to inevitably take things to bizarre extremes, but come the fuck on! I know the man is a real genius and that I've gone on record as saying that there's no such thing as too much Val Kilmer, but at the time I didn't realize that might extend to putting cutouts of his head all over a major metropolitan area.

Who am I kidding? I'm just jealous that I didn't think of it. The Qdoba downtown in The R.O. could use a little Kilmer. We all could.

But dammit if that was only the second weirdest fucking thing I've seen today. Because Stereogum went and produced Nude Britney Spears Giving Birth on a Bearskin Rug (maybe work-safe, but pretty fucked up nonetheless). Somebody actually sculpted a life-sized, naked and pregnant Britney that is apparently on display here (ditto the last parenthetical).

In doing so, they forced my hand and ended my moratorium on Britney-related anything. Expect updates on where you can get K-Fed's new "album" in the near future, as well as pictures of him doing things that clearly indicate that Britney is too good for him. Wait...

Stereogum also put up some pretty damned good mp3s by a band called Candy Bars. I can't figure out if it's "Candy Bars" or "The Candy Bars", but I suddenly find myself not caring that much and moving on with my life. The songs are worth a listen, and that's all the point I'm trying to make. And hopefully it will wipe the taste of the whole naked pregnant Britney thing out of your mouths.

The bridges, they are a-burning

2006-03-23T16:36:00.000-05:00

Anyone watch South Park last night?

Wow. Just wow. I guess Trey and Matt either have more insight on the subject than Roger Friedman, they don't know what he's been reporting, or they're just ignoring him. Because last night they sent Isaac 'Chef' Hayes a missive that clearly states that under no circumstances can he come back if he has a shred of dignity or any faith at all in his beliefs.

As goofy and out there as average Joe Blogger may find Scientology, it's what the man believes in. And last night's episode pretty much skewered his religion to such an extent that I can't forsee any possible way that any self-respecting Scientologist could work with the creators again after seeing it.

It really makes me hope that the reports of Hayes' stroke are either false or exaggerated, and that it truly was his wish to quit the show. If what Roger Friedman reported is true, then Hayes neither wanted to leave the show nor could he afford to at this point in time. So if that was the case, this is an unfortunate situation that absolutely nobody comes out of as a winner.

Then again, this whole situation might be a joke. As a fan who sat through the April Fools'/Cartman's Father/Terrence and Phillip Special back in the day, I wouldn't put it past the sick bastards.

Highly unlikely? Yes.

Totally outside the realm of possibility? Eh?

Remo Williams and A Generation's Culture

2006-03-22T19:19:00.000-05:00

Remember HBO?

I'm not talking about the dozen or so versions that come with every basic digital package today.

I'm talking about the HBO of the 80s.

No Sopranos.

No Deadwood.

Just hours upon hours of the same, bad 80s movies, with occasional "Making Of" specials interspersed among them.

I'm talking Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. I'm talking The Legend of Billie Jean. I'm talking Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins.

And they ran these movies over and over...and over.

If your dad was anything like my dad, you also watched them over and over...and over. Back when cable television was really gaining a foothold here in the heartland, men across the country like my father sought to justify the $10 a month they were shelling out for the privelege of having such fine cinema beamed to their homes, and they did so by watching it and forcing their families to watch it with them. Today, the hippies would call this child abuse.

I think watching movies like Remo Williams may have permanently warped my fragile little mind. I love a good bad move more than the average lad, but this movie is just painful. And the pain seems to be embedded within the inner core of my being. Even now, 20 years later, HBO or some other excuse for a cable channel still rerun it. It's like they bought the lifetime rights to the movie, although I can't imagine that costing that much. I envision some hobo/studio-exec handing off the film for a three-piece and a biscuit, then running away cackling with glee because he's free of it.

I become paralyzed in terror when it's on because I know the movie, scene for scene, line for line. What the fuck? Why do I know the idiotic insults that Chiun is going to make? Why doesn't Wilford Brimley cause me to change the channel like every other thing he's ever done? Why didn't they call it "Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (and Ends)"? Wait...apparently IMDB says that the adventure did continue, with the role of Chiun being played by the same guy who played Cornelius in Planet of the Apes...wait...WHY DO I KNOW THIS?!?

It's a conspiracy, damn it!

2006-03-21T20:37:00.000-05:00

The Shield has its season finale this evening. I'm stoked. It will, however, mean that this is the last Tuesday that I have reason to watch television for the forseeable future.

On the other hand, it also means I hopefully never have to see another preview for Black/White and hear that atrocious Ice Cube theme-song again.

This season didn't start this way. Oh no. For a while, Tuesday nights were the peak of my television viewing week. I quickly became enamoured with Bones on Fox and Supernatural on The WB. I've been into Nip/Tuck and The Shield for a while now, and the two latest seasons have been airing at 10 on FX since the fall. Three hours on my Tuesdays were effectively spoken for.

But the networks couldn't let me have my Tuesdays. First, they had to go and move Bones to Wednesday nights against Lost. Having recently jumped aboard the bandwagon for everyone's favorite castaways, I found myself most perturbed, or at the very least, in need of a Tivo.

Then, Supernatural was moved to Thursdays against my new faves, My Name Is Earl and The Office. Fuck!

While Bones was moved back to 8pm (making Wednesday my new TV day for the time being), the geniuses who make the schedules have pissed me off. I cannot, nay, will not fill my Tuesdays with girly shit like Gilmore Girls or insipid, brain-draining inanity like American Idol. I would rather drill into my kneecaps with a carbide bit than hear Simon Cowell's opinion on...well...anything.

But my Tuesdays are now open. Goddammit, this side of town needs a Buffalo Wild Wings.

Monday bits, bytes and linkage

2006-03-20T11:44:00.001-05:00

There's been a palpable buzz surrounding Isaac 'Chef' Hayes departure from South Park. It was supposedly due to some umbrage he took in response to the "Trapped In The Closet" episode lampooning Scientology, the preferred religion of him and other celebrities that prefer not to have anything resembling Judeo-Christian ethics dictating their actions and making them feel guilty about their ultimately decadent lifestyles (take that as you will).

Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park, have gone on record as saying that they fully believe his departure was related to that episode. They also may believe that Tom Cruise manipulated Comedy Central to pull a repeat of the supposedly offensive episode. They responded with their traditional genius (From The Daily Variety):

So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!

While hysterical, it turns out that they, along with the rest of the world may be misinformed. Roger Friedman at Fox News reports that Hayes had a stroke a few weeks ago. Ergo, he wouldn't have been able to quit, and Friedman posits that someone did it for him. Friedman also indicates that discussions with Hayes led him to believe that Hayes didn't find the episode all that offensive, and doubts that he would have quit over it.

The plot thickens.

Hopefully this gets straightened out and best wishes to Isaac Hayes if he is, indeed, in less than stellar health.

I neglected this newsbyte last week, but it seems that The Hold Steady have signed to Vagrant records, home to one of my personal faves Paul Westerberg, one of my former faves in Saves The Day, along with a bunch of other bands comprised of sensitive guys that had trouble finding dates in high school and overcompensated with shitty poetry put to whiny music.

I concur with Pitchfork in that the thought of "Your Little Hoodrat Friend" hoodies at Hot Topic terrifies the high holy fuck out of me.

Lazy Sundays

2006-03-19T20:02:00.000-05:00

Don't you just love those weekends that just come back to you in flashes? Through tedious memory recovery or hearsay, apparently I've drunkenly done the following this weekend:

1. Mooned my friend's apartment complex
2. Karaoke'd several songs with the band at a party (Shut Up Robert rocks!), forgot most of the lyrics, and attempted to compensate by screaming
3. Spiked my cellphone when I couldn't get it into my pocket
4. During a game of Cranium, in an effort to draw a picture that would make my team guess "soccer mom", I drew a stick figure giving birth
5. Demanded my friend hit me in the face

Great weekend, although I'm completely out of food and far too burned out to do anything about it. I've spent the day eating leftover Chinese food and hot dog buns.

During this little mini-bender, I have been neglectful of my e-mail (it just leads to me checking my work e-mail -- bad shit) so I missed the mp3s that were e-mailed to me. I was advised to check out Brandi Carlisle (www.brandicarlile.com), who'll be playing at the Royal Oak Music Theatre on March 22nd.

That's right. The place that ran out of beer.

For the record, I will totally pimp mp3s so long as I am given permission and, of course, if they're good.

Fall Apart Again (mp3)

What More Can I Say (mp3)

Brandi has got that singer/songwriter thing going a la Rachel Yamagata. I dig both songs. Worth a check if you're into that type of music.

Time to see if I've got any more loose bread products to eat. What a day.

Mere Hours of Sobriety

2006-03-17T10:44:00.000-05:00

I've got about an hour and a half until the games start today.

They'll have to be impressive to top yesterday's games. Damn.

It's also St. Patrick's Day.

It's going to be years before such a cool intersection of great sporting event, alcohol-fueled holiday and my bi-weekly Friday off happens again. The next time the stars align like this, I'll probably be too old to enjoy it. By then, I'll most likely spend the day off spackling drywall or putting a new vanity in a bathroom.

Which makes this year all the more important.

I'm doing everything in my power to avoid going to a bar. I don't need to spend that money. Plus, I no longer have a local, sit-down, pub-style roost where the bouncer shakes my hand instead of carding me and people let me to the front of the juke line. And I'm not driving over to Mt. Clemens to relive old memories.

I'm not going back there, man.

So after I scrub my way through shower, breakfast, and maybe a quick bit of exercise, I'l have to squeeze in a beer run before cranking up the stereo and getting into the games. I'll be providing the soundtrack today.

Time to move.

Happy Alt-Tab Day!

2006-03-16T12:20:00.000-05:00

First day of the NCAA Tournament. I have maintained my proud, going-on-two-year tradition of blowing out of work early and watching these fine opening rounds with a beer in hand and a song in my heart.

That song, of course, is Fuck The Police. Couldn't tell ya why.

So to all my brothers, sisters, lovers and cyberstalkers still entombed in their cubicle mausoleums, I say "You know you ain't doing shit this afternoon. Close the faux-spreadsheet you have covering ESPN dot com and go home! Go to B-Dubs! Get out and celebrate! Then call in sick tomorrow because it's f-ing St. Patty's Day!"

I have a date with a cold LaBatt's.

Out.

A Good Week for Mail...

2006-03-15T17:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my order from Amp Camp arrived. Today my order from the corporate beast known as Amazon (they don't need a link; they're f-ing AMAZON!!!) was sitting on my porch waiting to greet me like a loyal dog or a retarded cat.

I shall not want for new media upon which to gorge myself this week.

Double Easy: The U.S. Singles by The Happy Mondays is now satisfying the craving for their music that I've had since I caught 24 Hour Party People via the 'Flix last month. My fascination with musical/cultural watermark periods is endless and this movie just nailed me from all angles. The Mondays' music that was used in the film has been on constant rotation in my head since I heard it. Being that I was already into The Stone Roses, I'm told that this isn't that unusual.

So now I'm checking them out by way of a hits collection. Lame? Yes, but I lack the disposable income to go after their catalogue at this point in time. I'll get there.

Providing the necessary additional cost to make this particular shipment free was Can't Stop Won't Stop: A History of the Hip-Hop Generation by Jeff Chang. While I don't listen to a lot of hip hop (especially mainstream contemporary hip hop), this is a story that's interested me since VH1 ran a week-long special in a similar vein a few years ago in between I Love the 80s marathons. So I'll be the suburban white guy at Starbucks this weekend tuning up on his hip hop history. And probably loving the hell out of it.

But it gets better. As I took the book out of the box, I noticed two things:

1. It's hardcover -- hadn't expected that for my money. I probably need to read descriptions of the things I order a little better. Especially after ordered that used CD without a case that one time. Doh!

2. The little sticker on the cover -- you know...the one that says Autographed Copy? Are you shitting me? This most definitely was NOT in the description, and doubtfully reflected in the price. Yet there on the inside is what I can only assume to be Jeff Chang's autograph. Score!

Yet now, I'm kind of afraid to read it. Unless further research indicates that he signed a shit-ton of these and allows Amazon to randomly distribute them (or are they all autographed?), this may be worth more than the $18 I spent for it. Someday, anyways.

I'll get over it, I'm sure. I'm reading it, value be damned!

Tapes 'N Tapes: The Loon

2006-03-15T11:40:00.000-05:00

One word: underwhelmed.

The hype can't always be right. Apparently the blogs were on boards and Pitchfork tossed it a highly favorable review, but I can't say anything other than "it's good, not great" about this record. Perhaps said hype overinflated my expectations.

Perhaps it was the comparisons to Pavement and The Pixies. While the impulsive, excitable part of my brain saw that and said "There's no WAY that can be anything but great!", the pensive, analytical part of my brain was quietly whispering "There's no WAY any band can pull off that dynamic!" Stupid pensive brain.

The Loon definitely echoes Pavement. The songs are low-fi and have the same sound. But any blogger/reviewer/listener who says this band sounds like The Pixies has obviously listened to a lot more music from Black Francis et al. than I have.

And that's not bloody likely.

So what we have in Tapes 'N Tapes is a good record that will fit very nicely next to Crooked Rain Crooked Rain on your shelves and has a couple of very good songs near the end of the album (must have been the ones sent to blogs). But it isn't this year's Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, which is in the car now for verification purposes.

Perhaps the most telling indictment of this record is the fact that I listened to it four times yesterday and can't recall a single song into my head right now, no matter how hard I try.

The Loon does grow on you after the initial listen, and I'm sure it will continue to do so. It's certainly not a lemon and I'm not sorry I bought it. It just didn't make me lose my shit the way other blind buys of its pedigree have in the past, and I probably won't break it out at the end of this year for a re-listen when I compile my personal "Best of 2006", which I will then go on to never publish.

Recipes for Crow and Where to Get CDs

2006-03-14T19:48:00.001-05:00

So yeah. Saw the Femmes on Saturday. They pretty much rocked.

Blister in the Sun was played in the middle of the show and I didn't skate, despite the fact that the bar had somehow run out of beer. Watching the sad little barback hustle cases of Molson back and forth almost made the insane wait and dealing with the inept barstaff worth it. Almost.

Watching the Femmes close with Add It Up and curtain call with Kiss Off (which I totally forgot they sang), however, did make it worth it. I spent the rest of my weekend trying to find good side dishes for the crow I must admittedly eat after Saturday's little performance. Tip of the hat.

Tapes 'N Tapes finally showed up in the mail today. More on that later, but let me just say how totally cool ordering from Amp Camp was.

I really only placed the order without researching the band because Amp Camp had the album for under ten bucks and Amazon didn't have it yet. At their site, I found reviews of their stuff, recommended audience for each album, and the insanely cool "Degree of Difficulty" scale, which breaks down how instantly listenable the record is i.e. how many times would one have to listen to this record before one "gets it". Sweet.

Today, I get the CD in the mail. Included was a discount coupon for my next order, with a handwritten message from whoever packaged it. Her name was Svetlana (hot~!) and she was inquiring whether or not my current hometown of Royal Oak was in any way related to a bar of the same name in NY.

Svetlana - I wish, honey. I wish. Probably a negative on that one.

That kind of personalized, DIY touch was truely outstanding. I will now actively try to order from them first, and your eyes may be drawn to the new link on the side panel or sidebar or whatever the fuck you call that thing over there. Give 'em a check and I'll be back to discuss the actual record I ordered from them later (spot review: not as cool as the website).

Violent Femmes Live! Wait a minute...

2006-03-10T17:11:00.000-05:00

Saturday night -- The Violent Femmes are playing the Royal Oak Music Theatre. I'll be there. I couldn't be more...well...I'll be there.

I'm not entirely sure what my line of thinking was behind agreeing to go to this show. Any chance I can just show up at 11:00pm-ish to hear Blister in the Sun, which I'd say has about a 95% chance of being the closer/curtain call? Frankly, if they play it in the middle of their show or attempt to use it as the creamy filling hidden inside "new material", you'll find me at Sangria fairly early on.

Look. I have nothing against The Femmes (other than the fact that Blister was played at every high school dance, college party and Canadian bar I went to until I turned 21*, but that's not their fault), but when I think of retro bands from the great 80s that I need to catch live, they ain't makin' the top 10. Sorry.

But it'll be fun, and I can spend the evening getting fantastically drunk if need be. Live shows are always good like that.

Staying on live shows, I purchased tickets to the May 11th Sigur Ros show this morning. Yours truly will be in the front of the mezz at the State Theatre in Detroit watching the pinnacle of Icelandic post-rock spin the sound ethereal. Now THAT excites me.

*No inference should be taken from my clumsy sentence structure that I attended high school dances until I was 21. I'm not THAT guy.

New layout

2006-03-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

I was really starting to hate the old layout, and somehow I had irreversibly warped the code in my feeble attempts to manually edit the HTML in hopes of making it better. The date of the current posts wasn't showing up and photos were making the site act weird on my system.

So I changed it to another stock Blogger template. I'd love to establish some individuality and make the site look unique, but my HTML skills are right down there with my bo staff skills. So this suave looking template will be the ostensible face of 16m for the forseeable future. Booyah.

Hype

2006-03-09T17:35:00.000-05:00

Are you in a band? Are you trying to drum up "buzz" for your debut record? Are you having trouble getting noticed? Have no fear! Just follow this tried and true method for getting people talking about you before you've actually done anything!

1. Go to England
Seriously. Whereas fans in the U.S. aren't easily excitable about new things, our cousins across the pond are constantly begging for it. If you've got a hip new sound or are recycling an old sound in a grating, poppy manner (I'm looking at you, Killers), the Brits will go apeshit for you and we'll be able to hear the buzz from here.

2. Describe your sound as "neo-new wave"
All this means is that you're aping a better band from 25-30 years ago. But this kind of music is the "thing" right now and drooling lemmings like myself will fall all over ourselves to find you, check you out and tell our friends about you. Think Interpol (Joy Division), stellastarr* (The Cure) or The Bravery (Pip farting on a snare drum).

3. If you can't be "neo-new wave", be "post-rock"
Another wicked indie buzz term. This means (as far as I can tell) that you're abandoning traditional songcraft to explore more experimental sounds and structures. If people don't get what the hell you're doing (translation: you have no idea how to play your instruments and your music sounds like someone is murdering a yak inside a reverberating sound chamber), you still have a 50/50 chance of a critic saying that your sound is "challenging" rather than risk looking dumb by admitting they don't get it.

4. Release an EP of your best songs before releasing your full-length
This will protect you by putting your five strongest songs on display while covering the fact that you only have five strong songs. If you don't have five strong songs, round out the EP with live versions of your good songs, covers of better bands than you, or a "remix" of your good stuff (guh!).

5. Send an mp3 of your best song to a blog
When the British press is buzzing about your EP, this will give an itty-bitty taste to the U.S. market. While we know that CME overreacts pretty much every time a new band comes out, we'll still check out said band becuase occasionally they can almost live up to the buzz. And making us drool by combining overseas buzz and one, good song will get us humming.

6. If this isn't your first album, pay someone to describe this new album as "your Kid A"
Especially if drugs have driven you to eschew guitars for kazoos.

7. Pray
If you don't live up to the buzz you create, you'll get crucified when you get here.

I still haven't picked up that Arctic Monkeys CD. But I probably will.

Seasons Change...

2006-03-08T18:47:00.000-05:00

...and eventually, so does the CD in my car radio. The Hold Steady managed to embed itself into my consciousness and CD player for upwards of 6 weeks without a break, and I think that might be a personal record. The only caveat is the week I spent in Maui, where I was obviously without car or the accompanying radio. The only CDs that I remember listening to for such an extended period of time without switching are Antics by Interpol and Apologies to the Queen Mary by Wolf Parade.

So what could displace Separation Sunday? At first, in the interest of changing things up, I just tossed Harmonies for the Haunted by stellastarr* in there. "Sweet Troubled Soul" is a pretty f-ing good song, but it doesn't have anywhere near the staying power required to have me singing/muttering "Holly was a hoodrat" to myself at random times during my day. So despite the fact that I can't load the album on to my iPod and increase my exposure to it (thank you very much DMRC!), it didn't last.

The Go! Team is now finally getting it's fair shake. I bought Thunder, Lightening, Strike about a week before The Hold Steady showed up, and never gave it the attention it deserved. It's the perfect music for the right now. Winter is melting away, the sun is coming out and the lively, danced-up instrumentals are far more apt to the anticipation of coming spring than the the sprawling crunch of Separation Sunday, which was perfect for the grey, cold winter (The Hold Steady is from Minnesota...it makes sense).

How long will this new album be stuck in my head and my car? Depends...The Loon by Tapes 'N Tapes should get here eventually, as well as a hits collection by The Happy Mondays. Both these scrappy newcomers have potential, but who knows.

As long as I don't have to listen to the shit streaming out of the local Chum Group radio stations, it's all good. What kind of idiots do they have working there to pick those playlists?

People's Guide To Pitchfork and Fabrication

2006-03-07T18:41:00.000-05:00

I have a problem.

They say the key to solving a problem is admitting you have one, and I have one.

I rely on Pitchfork way too much for my music opinion.

For example, this review just had to name drop bands like Pavement and The Pixies and I ordered the damned CD right away, without hearing a song off of it. It hasn't arrived yet so I can't say how my consumer weakness turned out, but it doesn't exactly portray me as a paragon of fiscal responsibility.

Usually it's not that bad. Between blogs, Pandora and iTunes I can usually check out a band before I take the plunge. But I have a system for using Pitchfork as well.

When one of the reviews looks intriguing, you immediately do a name search on the reviewer. They have a ton. While the website's hipster repuatation certainly consigns a very specific stereotype to the music these writers listen to, their tastes are really quite eclectic. Just find and examine each reviewers end of year lists.

The search will bring up a list of every album that writer has reviewed. You check the list, find some faves and see what that writer thought of them. There is no substitute for common taste, so you know that if you like indie-pop rock music and that reviewer has a boner for bleeding ear noise punk, you probably don't share the same musical tastes. If a bunch of your favorite records are on the list with 9.0s next to them, buy away.

Or if Nick Sylvester was the reviewer, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. The guy's been suspended for fabricating a story in the Village Voice. What's with all these writers as of late making shit up in their stories? The real world is sick enough without having to resort to fiction to sell newspapers.

I hope Nick turns out to be innocent, although I'll never forgive him for giving such a decent-to-high mark to the most recent Audioslave record. I loved the first one but man...Out of Exile sucked balls.

Twilight is falling

2006-03-01T11:47:00.000-05:00

May 16th. New Twilight Singers record. This is going to be a good year. Greg Dulli has yet to let me down. Musically, anyways. (picture from CMJ)

Madonna is going to perform at Coachella. Uh? Remember when people were outraged that Tool was going to be there? But this is okay. Right.

Madge...sit down. I'm here to rap with ya. Stop trying to matter. I don't care how many poplets you share faux-lesbian kisses with on MTV. You're still old and irrelevant. It's all behind you and you can't hide it with blatant samples, audacious pageantry and hip techno producers. Get your Kabbalah-spouting, Guy Ritchie-emasculating (remember when he used to make movies?) ass to Vegas and start singing "Lucky Star" next to Celine Dion and Cher. I'll come see you after I hit the buffet.

Why is Lola dancing on my brain?

2006-02-28T15:49:00.000-05:00

Jetlag is going to make this week a bitch. I thought going out and getting amazingly drunk on Saturday after only having slept for 3 out of the last 36 hours would be enough to totally reset the sleep schedule. I was wrong, but I love being that kind of wrong. Probably too much for my own good.

My difficulty getting to sleep this week is leading to ugly mornings. Ugly mornings lead to totally inability to control exactly what pops into my head until I slam about 3 cups of coffee at the office. What that means is that shortly after I drag my sorry carcass out of bed, my music-addled brain starts playing random songs that I generally loathe non-stop, at least until I get to the car and my CD collection rescues me. The DJ is always the same and his playlist is disgustingly limited.

The songs that insidiously worm their way into my sleep deprived brain are as follows:

Milli Vanilli - Girl I'm Gonna Miss You
Even in Fab and Rob's heyday when people thought that the voices emanating from the brightly colored spandex and dreads were actually theirs, I hated this song. Why this one? Blame It On The Rain I could have lived with. Not this.

Bon Jovi - Never Say Goodbye/Raise Your Hands
Despite my current status as a full-fledged music snob, I was a total Bon Jovi dork in the 80s like so many others. I didn't have long, permed hair and acid-washed jeans or anything, but that was probably more due to the fact that I was a pre-adolescent and my parents obviously loved me too much to let me dress that way. I totally dug and still dig both of these songs, just not the grotesque medley that forms in my brain like a fungus at 5:30 in the morning.

Barry Manilow - Copacabana
This is God's revenge on me for every girlfriend I've pissed off by refusing to let them listen to any Clear Channel radio station in my car, ever. There is no other explanation. I'm not sure I've ever listened to this song from start to finish (although I can't vouch for certain that a vindictive babysitter didn't play this song non-stop while watching over my crib. That shit happens people!). My only familiarity with the song stems from Friends when Jennifer Anniston got her ex-fiance's wedding guests to sing it along with her. Barry f-ing Manilow.

These are the songs that haunt my mornings. Is it any wonder that I still highly prefer to sleep until the afternoon whenever possible?

It's not like I can get them out of my head, either. You'd think that someone who listens to as much music as I do could simply will the demons out of my head by thinking of a different, better song. Oh...have I tried. But the caffiene-free mind always steers it's way back to whatever dark dark place that allows Barry Manilow to reside unmolested. For example, I might try to push a great song, like Shine a Light by Wolf Parade into my noodle, only to have a lyrical degression such as follows occur:

It's just a matter of time
No one gets out alive
At the Copa
Copacabana

'Tis truly the stuff of nightmares.

"Aloha" means two weeks without posting

2006-02-27T19:05:00.000-05:00

Ahoy, hoy!

After spending a week in Maui biking down volcanos and sunburning my feet until they resembled seared tuna steaks, I thought it might be time to attempt to justify the bandwidth that this poor excuse for a blog is taking up and actually, you know, post. Not that anything I post could actually justify the bandwidth that I'm taking up, but there are worse sites on the internet, I'm sure. There have to be.

I'm sure more reputable sites than mine steal links like I do. But I try to give credit. Like in the case of whatevs posting this utterly disturbing mash-up of Toy Story 2 and Requiem for a Dream. Whoever you are that came up with this, you are my kind of twisted bastard.

In fact, that would have been the funniest thing I've seen all day if it hadn't been for this video at Stereogum.

Well that's my triumphant return. Stealing links from websites that people already read so you can be slightly less amused by them when you finally get here and see them for the second time. Whoo!

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T19:18:00.000-05:00

A non-meat for a non-holiday. Hope everyone has a good one.

The Real Genius of Real Genius

2006-02-13T16:56:00.001-05:00

Honestly. Who can get enough early Val Kilmer? Real Genius is one of those great, great 80s flicks that will always make me sit down and watch, no matter what other pressing things I might have to do.

Yesterday was one such day. I think I flipped it on in the middle of the first study montage (as opposed to the great Karate Kid-esque training montage). The tones of I'm Falling were enough to draw me into the adventures of Chris Knight et al. I watched Mitch get it together, get even with Kent and foil the nefarious Jerry Hathaway with a fury of popcorn. Lazlo came out of the closet and hooked up with the ridonkulously hot chick (a brain groupie? Ahhh...fiction!). And Chris got the Darlington job...all set to brilliant 80s music that may or may not have been written explicitly for this movie (apologies to Bryan Adams and Tears for Fears).

I would murder for this soundtrack.

But as the credits rolled and Everybody Wants To Rule The World played, I saw something slightly disturbing: "Shuttle Pilot" was credited as Stacy Peralta.

Say it ain't so! Dogtown? Z-Boys? A skateboard legend given as much screen time and credit as some guy who played Laser Ray Victim? Research indicated that this might have very well been his first role since Charlie's Angels in 1979! And Mitch got more play than him in this film!

How bad does a guy need work that he lets Gabe Jarret outscore him as a 15 year old science geek in a movie? I'd be cool with Chris Knight, because he had mad game (although the 'moment' he shared with Ick at the end was a little suspect, Brokeback style), but don't let Mitch mack the hoes when your face never even makes it on-screen.

But at least Kent didn't hate on ya, Stace. Then again, I think he was more into his car's tailpipe.

End of a Slow Week

2006-02-10T18:37:00.000-05:00

I'm just starting to get back to normal after the XL. I didn't even think I partied that hard but damn if I wasn't worn out. I was at work to get rest.

It didn't help that I couldn't think of anything to talk about this week. In general, I'd prefer to say nothing that to say something that I didn't consider interesting or worthwhile. But that does not a good blog make. Onward and upward...

Joy Division movie. In a word? Sweet. I am really looking forward to Ian Curtis getting more treatment than he did in 24 Hour Party People. And I'm looking forward to the soundtrack being done by New Order.

Mad points for calling the movie Control, rather than the stupidly obvious Love Will Tear Us Apart. Kudos, I say.

When the Arctic Monkeys get here, can they help but disappoint? Will all of the hype coming across the pond, it's going to be tough to listen objectively. Now they're getting to make short films based on one of their songs. Right. Nothing says Next Big Thing like going all R. Kelly on us. Can't wait for Trapped In The Closet U.K. to make the rounds on the 'net.

At least let's hope that's the pertinent video that makes the rounds.

Looks like Arrested Development is dying it's final death tonight. I can't say I've become a passionate fan of the show, but I've enjoyed what I have watched. However, it never made me feel that there was an urgent need to watch it. The USA Today article makes an interesting point that while the characters are hysterical, many of them are inherently unlikable, and that makes it difficult to get an audience to root for them, or feel the need to watch them. Provacative argument, there.

Now, the show did get royally f-ed in the ass by FOX scheduling, only getting moved to the moribund wasteland of Mondays after the Family Guy revival. And then they have the balls to state that The War at Home was doing better in the ratings. Well duh.

I'm sad to see it happen. Looks like another show that may have been too smart for it's own good. Bummer.

It's weekend time. Get ready for Valentine's Day by checking out Ain't It Cool News's comparison of the X3 add campaign to the posters for Rent. Thank my one-man street team J-Rob for that piece. Kelsey Grammar really makes pink look manly, no?

Detroit: Yay! Public Transit: Boo!

2006-02-06T20:20:00.000-05:00

This weekend...Detroit was awesome.

This weekend...the shuttle buses to and from Detroit were not.

It seems to be getting surprisingly little press coverage but God have mercy on the souls of anyone else who had to ride the Super Bowl Express back to their park and ride lots this weekend. It was pretty obvious that Kwame and Co. didn't blow the city's meager Civic Transportation budget on getting the party people back home.

On Friday night I spent lots of spectacular quality time in line with a bunch of other drunk and cranky sports fans who were joining me in having their memories of such a fantastic event ostensibly tainted by the fact that there seemed to be relatively no rhyme or reason to the lines to get on the buses. Far too many people in far too little a space with far too little organiziation to the lines and the system for getting the buses in and out of the lot.

And, on Friday, there was one portable pisshouse.

Oh what a glorious sight that was. By the time I was fortunate enough to see the "facilities", there was a small fecal shrine protruding from the rim of the bowl. The damned thing was overflowing.

As I told the line of three women behind me, "You really gotta want it tonight."

However, on Saturday, the city completely overcompensated by installing like 30 new ones. And a heated tent to protect a mostly hometown crowd from the inclimate conditions that they damned well should have expected and been dressed for. All these wonderful new amenities had the effect of making the chaotic overcrowding even worse. Smooth.

Was this enough to overshadow the experience? No. No fucking way. On the whole, The D really came through and put on a hell of a party.

But it should have known better than to allow us to leave like that. No way in hell should anyone have been left with the burning image of a port-a-john and a parking lot overflowing due to piss poor planning.

Is This Really Necessary?

2006-02-02T21:38:00.000-05:00

Pick any five people you know and I promise one of them has SNL: The Best of Will Ferrell. This DVD has become ubiquitous and with good cause. Frankly, I used to think that Big Willie was fucking obnoxious, mostly because I never watched enough SNL to know him as anything more than that cheerleader dude. Then, on the day The Content Room died at NetGen, myself and several other newly unemployed friends of mine cracked open some 10am Rolling Rock and watched said DVD. Before we headed to the Clem to get wasted and play bocce, I was converted.

But The Best of Alec Bladwin? Are you fucking kidding me? Again, I am not the most SNL-saavy of individuals, but has Alec ever done anything worthy of it's own "Best of" DVD? So when this little paradox presented itself on the bargain rack at Best Buy, it was all I could do to resist what I perceived to be a giant black hole of suck. I am a paragon of strength.

I'm hitting the NFL Experience at Cobo tomorrow to demonstrate my distinct lack of football skills. And hopefully get some free shit. Maybe I'll even take pictures.

Madonna The Undead and Apparently There's A Football Game This Week Or Something

2006-02-01T17:38:00.000-05:00

Aiiiiggghhh!!!!

Isn't Madonna dead yet? Apparently not since her re-animated corpse will be joining the animated Gorillaz on stage at The Grammys. (Thanks Pop Candy) I'm all for re-invention to stay up-to-date but Jesus...this chick fucked Warren Beatty and Vanilla Ice. Nobody gets that kind of multi-generational lasting power without drinking the blood of virgins or something.

Seriously. Now she's slowly draining Guy Ritchie of life. Remember when he used to make movies? Soon there will be nothing left but a dry husk in a good looking suit.

They say Keith Richards looks the way he does because of hard living and drug use. I think he just dated Madonna before she assumed this latest vampiric identity.

Speaking of the Stones, my sources inform me that some kind of Super Bowl football game is going to be played scant miles down I-75 from me (how's that for a segue!). There will never again be an event in Detroit like this that I can enjoy as a mid-20-something so I plan to spend the better parts of Friday and Saturday skulking around town, getting drunk in whatever bars a useless nobody like myself can get into and stalking Skip Bayless along with whatever other C-List celebrities are out "keeping it real". As much as I hate to give Mayor Kwame "Kennedy" Kilpatrick any of my hard(ly) earned money, I have no doubt it'll be worth it.

Party on.

The Office and Pride In My Alma Mater

2006-01-31T17:22:00.000-05:00

I watched all of the original version of The Office this weekend. Just spectacular. I really identified with Tim (I think lots of guys my age probably did) and Ricky Gervais is just painfully hysterical to watch. Just a terrific show.

I'll be buying these DVDs.

Fortunately, I think I can still enjoy the U.S. version. No offense to Steve Carrell, but he's no Ricky, but it turns out to be a good thing. The emphasis isn't on Steve's character, and it really benefits the show because the other characters get more developed. The relationship between Jim and Pam is the U.S. version's center.

However, I highly suspect that they'll get the Hollywood ending treatment on this side of the pond as opposed to the beautiful, bittersweet ending that the original had. And I might be ok with that.

But fans and media at large need to help me out...because my American-think-I'm-at-the-center-of-the-universe-self wants to call the original The Office U.K., and it deserves better than that. I humbly beg forgiveness if I make such a heinous faux pas. To save me from that ignoble fate, we need to start calling the current version The Office U.S. Like now.

Moving on...

Like many other University of Michigan alumni, I've been lamenting the way our basketball and football teams have failed to compete for national titles in recent years (Damn you Lloyd Carr and Chris Webber! Damn you to HELL!). But it seems that karma has delivered the goods in another, slightly lesser known sport.

Beer pong.

Excuse me while I sing the fight song to myself. Bless those boys.

Finally...allow me to express my excitement at the pending new Wilderness record. 11 April...I'll be there.

"Hail to the Victors, valiant..."

Dude, I think "Late 80s/Early 90s Alt-Rock" is the preferred nomenclature

2006-01-30T16:48:00.000-05:00

Nirvana. Pearl Jam. Soundgarden. Alice In Chains. All these bands seriously brought the rock out of the Pacific Northwest and into mainstream culture. To those of us it moved, no genre was necessary. To the media that was trying to pigeonhole, package and profit off of it, grunge became the title.

And now that those halcyon days of my mispent youth are gone, all I have to remind me of them are snarky I Love the 90s specials and compilation CDs. Oh, and the shitload of CDs I bought from that era. Those are good too.

The Birth of Grunge is apparently devoted to those bands that didn't quite make it out of the home of Starbucks, or ones that did but didn't make it as far as the aforementioned quartet. However, it's purpose seems less to remind us of a really cool time when left-of-the-dial, experimental music was getting mainstream attention, and more to give the snotty critical types (of which I usually consider myself a member) an excuse to mock it as though it were the
Macarena.

Excuse me? Yeah. I still don't get the flannel. I tried the flannel back in the day, but the combination of Seattle-flannel, the prevalence of oversized flannels from gangster rap, and an unfortunate Midwestern preppy sensibility led to what can only be called a fashion disaster. 3XLT Abercrombie Flannels, Dockers and flukers do not a look create.

Pictures shall not be forthcoming.

But my own adolescent debacles of dress aside, I wouldn't be the music enthusiast that I am today without those bands, fashions and cultural impacts letting me know that there was more in the world than what the mainstream wanted to spoonfeed me. I just had to look for it. I didn't just buy the albums of the icons of the era, I went further. I discovered The Catherine Wheel, The Afghan Whigs, and Camper Van Beethoven. I got into The Clash, The Replacements and The Pixies because the new bands that I liked were listing them as inspirations, and the writers that had been touting the music that was at the forefront of the revolution had touted their music as well.

Those same writers, I might add, are the ones who now talk about the era like it was a bad hairdo; it was the style at the time but it is silly now. They treat it like a fad. Like it was that swing music revival that happened a few years later.

It's not. And the folks at Pitchfork and others would do good to remember that. I'll lay odds that many of them wouldn't have discovered much of the music they love now if it wasn't for the gateway drug of early 90s alternative rock.

You can't rave about The Pixies and rave about The White Stripes and pretend their was nothing in between. Even if what was in between ultimately begat Nickelback and Puddle of Mudd.

Who cares if we'd all like to forget how dirty and nasty (and in my case, god-awfully mismatched) the clothes were. Who cares if the somber, serious and sometimes depressed lyrics may or may not have paved the way for the crappy, "why doesn't anybody love me?" emo and unnecessary cock rock of today. It was still more than a fad, and deserves to be treated as such.

It deserves better than to be marginalized as a joke.

They're no AC/DShe...

2006-01-30T16:45:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's sadder: the fact that CNN has nothing better to fill their webspace than an article touting the actual existence of Lez Zepplin, or the fact that I have nothing better to do than read it.

Give me Super Diamond for my money. Or even some Jerry Sprague.

Late Sunday Goodness

2006-01-29T19:11:00.000-05:00

I usually take the weekend off, but gorilla vs. bear posted their Best of January mp3 selections. Do yourself a favor and don't walk...run over there and download The Funeral by Band of Horses. The album drops on 21 March and I may just have to grab it.

Peace.

Grandaddy Breaking Up and My Sudden, Uncontrolled Depression

2006-01-27T15:44:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it feels like my love for a band is a kiss of death.

The ultra-depressing news that Grandaddy is breaking up broke at NME today. Then, just to confirm that it wasn't the Brits overreacting to something, Pitchfork went and confirmed it to twist the knife in my back. Damn.

There was nobody like them. They rode the post-Kid A wave of interest in experimental post rock and made two stellar records, The Sophtware Slump and Sumday in addition to the rest of their catalogue. Reliance on keyboards combined with traditional rock guitar backing Jason Lytle's haunting vocals made each a phenomenal listening experience. Or as my buddy J-Rob described it, "Imagine some college kids got there hands on a Casio keyboard, tried a bunch of weird shit, and recorded it."

He has all their records.

But the CDs were just part of the story. Their performances were audio-visual epics. Behind their performances there would be a projected video for each song. These videos were sometimes loosely related to the song that was playing, other times there would be no obvious connection. But each one was certainly unique. And anyone who's seen them perform Yeah Is What We Had with the video in the background knows that it lends a certain gravitas to the song that might have been lacking otherwise. And you never forget it.

Let's just say the experience makes it tough to listen to that song after a break-up.

However, their unique sound and performance made it difficult to find tour partners that would result in an audience that would be into both bands. I saw them twice, once with Pete Yorn (who I was actually there to see -- it's when I discovered them) and once with Saves The Day (who successfully killed my post-college crush on them as a pop-punk guilty pleasure). Neither audience was very consistent. In fact, I almost picked a fight with a heckler at the PY show who felt the need to repeatedly drunkenly shout "Could you bore me to death" at the band. Someone beat me to it, but the whole episode didn't detract from the experience.

At the STD show (think they know their initials spell that?) the unwashed throng of high school emo-wannabes left after their heroes performed, leaving a smaller, devoted crowd to watch Grandaddy with me up front. It was awesome.

This difficulty probably didn't help things, since one of the reasons they spoke of for the break-up was that they weren't making any money at it. That sucks.

The good news is their final album will still be released. So I get one last dose to hold me over until the next time one of my favorite bands break up. Tits.

I plan on celebrating Irish wake style, pouring 40s to dead homiez and drunkenly traipsing around Detroit looking to pick a fight with Skip Bayless. You don't want none of this, Skippy.

Well it's time to start the mourning. Some NetFlix and some malt liquor should do the trick. But the 'Flix better take care of me, because I've got one word that should strike fear into their hearts: Shatner. Hey! Why pick my own DVDs when I could let T.J. Hooker pick them for me! And I get to keep them! Yeek. Thanks to J-Rob for that sweet bit of tragic humor.

The weekend starts now.

Site redesign, Must See TV and Those Crazy Brits...

2006-01-26T17:51:00.000-05:00

Anyone who's visited the site and actually come back can see that design changes are afoot. I wish I knew what the hell I was doing.

Happy Thursday. I'm (sadly) stoked becuase it's Thursday. That means Must See TV. It's fallen off in recent years, but these days it's getting emminently watchable again. Any CSI fans can stop by the radiologist to get sterilized on their way out the door.

I was big into Friends but never dug Joey (I was always a Chandler fan). But NBC has taken the bold step of putting My Name is Earl and The Office on Thursdays, and damned if it isn't working on this guy. All that with a Smallville lead-in (I don't watch The O.C. -- ha!) and I suddenly have a good two hour TV fix for those Thursdays when I'm not attempting to drink myself into oblivion. Good times.

I have the British version of The Office from NetFlix right now and will burn through both seasons this weekend. I seriously hope that it isn't so good that it taints my viewing of the U.S. version. From what I hear, I might have to take my anti-snob pills.

But really -- how great can it be? Our friends across the pond will rave about anything. Look at NME's Best British Albums of All Time! While most of the picks are predictable (oooh! London Calling! Didn't see that coming!) and I always like to see love given out to the shoegaze, Stone Roses style, how the deuce can anyone justify putting The Arctic Monkeys at number 5? That album just came out on Monday in the U.K.! I wish I could refute it with some actual, research-based evidence (i.e. having listened to it) but it ain't dropping Stateside until February 21! Shouldn't a record have to stand up after time has passed to be anywhere near a list with the words Best of All Time in it? I love you, U.K., and your absolutley ridonkulous hype machine.

The Hold Steady: My New Favorite Record

2006-01-25T17:57:00.000-05:00

Hot damn. I was pretty excited when I got me my copy of Separation Sunday, the second record by The Hold Steady. But DAMN!

Initially, I had been shying away from this record. It's description as garage or bar rock gave me White Stripes visions. Seeing as I was totally sick of Jack and Meg, it wasn't high priority.

Man I'm a dumb ass.

This record is downright awesome and I could have been listening to it since last May. The music? It sounds like these guys tossed a few back with The Replacements while allowing The Afghan Whigs to infuse them with the soul of Black Love. I half expected Greg Dulli's voice to break in periodically.

And it's a concept album. How sweet is that? The decline, fall and revival of a girl named Hallelujah. Green Day's Jimmy and Liz Phair's Johnny best step the fuck aside.

How good is it? I got Set Yourself on Fire by the Stars yesterday as well. I don't want to listen to it. Seriously. I listened to half of it and while I knew I liked it, I was upset that it wasn't The Hold Steady. No record deserves to be listened to right after a great album like this. I'll get back to the Stars next week.

Meanwhile, my iPod, car CD player and iTunes jacked into my home stereo will be blasting Craig Finn et al. And I'll be seeking out their first album as well as Craig's prior band, Lifter Puller. This one's up in my head.

Apparently I spoke too soon

2006-01-24T20:13:00.000-05:00

So Weezer isn't actually going to be portraying The Velvet Underground in Factory Girl. Er...at least not all of them will. The drummer (Patrick Wilson) and guitarist (Brian Bell) are the only offenders, with Bell playing Lou Reed and Wilson trying his hand as John Cale. Since I can't really picture Brian Bell right now and since I'm too lazy to do a Google Image Search, I can't say if this is better or worse.

Who am I kidding? It couldn't be much worse than Rivers Cuomo. He might have brought Muppets.

While only 50% of Weezer will be committing this grievious sin on film, 100% of them are apparently covering VU's Heroin. Hoooooo boy. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt because their cover of Velouria by The Pixies was pretty good.

But what the hell does Weezer know about heroin? Did I miss that Behind the Music?

The iPod cannot hold...

2006-01-24T19:04:00.000-05:00

It's a 3rd gen 20g and I filled the bastard. I have to take music off to get new music on. This is obnoxious, but dammit I need to have my new Hold Steady and Stars CDs at my beck and call. I'll be sitting in the listening booth (my basement) rocking out, at least until Supernatural starts.

I picked up the most recent stellastarr* jaunt last week as well. I like it, but there's a reason they've been hearing things like Interpol-lite. I think they sound more like The Cure, but that ain't a bad thing.

The bad thing is the Sony Content Protection that is going to make it very difficult if not impossible to get it on my aforementioned iPod (and hopefully bump another White Stripes CD off). I hope the execs at Sony spend an eternity in hell as prags for patent attorneys.

Is American Idol homophobic? Wow...I couldn't care less. But I would definitely watch to see Simon Cowell apologize. Hell, I'd pay to see it. That self-righteous douche needs a fistful of humility across the bridge of his nose.

Not tonight, however. Tonight I listen to my overflowing iPod with my black headphones (anyone who thinks the white earbuds are a necessary yindie/yupster/indie hipster fashion accessory needs to step the eff off) and slowly start convincing myself that the money I have earmarked for an X-Box 360 would be better spent on a shiny new 60g that would take me at least another year to fill. Cheers.

I'm not dead, really.

2006-01-23T18:36:00.000-05:00

So I got lazy last week. Sue me.

Sometimes it takes the right motivation to get me posting. Like new Cat Power. Cat Power: my favorite kind of feline-themed power. And despite the fact that this record comes out tomorrow, the good folk at Record Time, Ferndale saw fit to score me a copy last Friday. Chan is good.

But it's not all cake and candy in the news. Perhaps some of you have heard of the Edie Sedgwick biopic, Factory Girl? Siena Miller as Edie? While Sedgwick, Andy Warhol and the whole Factory scene of the 60s and 70s is endlessly fascinating to me, I will not forgive Weezer portraying the Velvet Underground. Argh!

No shock there that Lou Reed didn't care for the script. I wouldn't want Rivers F-ing Cuomo playing me. And wow does he like the word "whore".

Look. Pinkerton was the shit. The Blue Album is a classic. The Green Album and Maladroit? They were certainly...there. But Weezer does not belong in the same breath as VU. I don't have any VU records, yet I feel very comfortable standing by that statement.

Perhaps Nickelback was not available.

Who in the world thought a Buttafuoco/Amy Fisher reunion was necessary? And have they been sterilized?

And finally some sad news. Ford is laying off up to 30,000 workers. And Matt Millen is not among them.

I feel very comforable saying that any one of those 30,000 people who ultimately loses his/her job could do a more effective job of managing the Detroit Lions that Matt. And think of how many employees Ford could afford to keep without the albatross that is his salary around their figurative neck. Fire Millen!

But I digress. I'll leave you all with the phenomenon that is Lee Hotti. Oh sweet mercy.

A kiss for all the haters...

Yindie?

2006-01-12T18:39:00.000-05:00

Constantly finding new terms for self-definition at Stereogum is starting to get tedious. Indie yuppie has now been shortened to yindie.

I have to admit that I highly prefer yupster.

That yindie shit couldn't miss the mark by much more, either. Who the deuce is James Blunt, and why should I care? Maybe subgenrefication is already beginning. So much for the revolution...

First Impressions of First Impressions

2006-01-10T18:42:00.000-05:00

Last week, The Strokes' new album, First Impressions of Earth was released. Unless you're like me, who found it a week before it's scheduled release just sitting on the shelf at Best Buy. Suddenly it was a lot easier to blow a gift card.

My thoughts? I dig it. It sounds like the band has made a conscious effort not to re-record their first album, as they were accused of doing on their second. And I like a lot of the new directions they went in. "Heart in a Cage" is probably my favorite track so far, but this seems to be one of those albums that you find something new every time you listen to it (as opposed to the albums you have to listen to several times before you start to "get it"; I'm looking at you Radiohead!). When I first listen to a CD, I just replay it over and over, not really making much of an attempt to idnetify or remember song titles, so I can't do much of a track by track review just yet. Let me just say that several songs hold on to their old sound, while others explore new, somewhat darker territory. And change can be good.

That said, while I like the album on the whole, some of the new sounds really expose some of the musical weaknesses of the band. I loved the first two albums (even if they really were just one long, delayed-release double CD), but the tight sound wrapped around catchy hooks definitely masked the fact that not all Strokes were created equal, musically that is. Several of the new songs are no longer able to cover the fact that Fab Moretti drums like a $29.99 Casio Keyboard. Yeah, he's great at holding the beat, but don't ask him to do any backflips back there. Hey, Fab? You're allowed to occasionally hit the drums harder and make the noise louder. It's ok. They're your drums. Because of Fab's refusal to crank up the intensity in places, some of the songs that try to raise said intensity without bringing him along fall a little flat.

But I'm over it. It's in my car. It's on my iPod. It's in the rotation. And man is the guitar playing bad-assed. Remember a few years ago when Rolling Stone dubbed Jack White the 4th Greatest Guitar Player Ever after only like three or four albums? Well Jacky-Jack ain't got nothing on The Strokes on this record. I don't care if that's sacrilege, seeing as I'm from Southeastern Michigan. It's just the truth.

Pitchfork wasn't as into the new sounds as I was: 5.9 out of 10. Ouch. But reading the review makes me wonder about the objectivity of the reviewer. Methinks I smell hype backlash. Plus he acutally complimented the drumming? Huh?

Oh Sweet Mercy: Clerks 2 Cometh

2006-01-09T18:11:00.000-05:00

You know, I thought I Love The 90s was about as brutal as pop culture would get on my formative years until I hit my midlife crisis. And I thought I had at least another 15 years to skate until then. But...no.

Formative years, condider thyself sodomized: Clerks 2 is on its way, and the teaser is up.

On a certain level, I really respect Kevin Smith for risking it all and making a sequel to his magnum opus. Most hardcore fans of the original are going to be much bigger assholes than I will and refuse to give it a chance. Me? Despite my incredible misgivings, I'm really exicted.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not sure I buy the fact that Dante and Randal are still working what amount to the same dead-end shit jobs that they were in the original. And I still want to throttle Jason Mewes for making Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back so horrifically awful (I know it really wasn't all his fault -- he's just the easiest target). But like many fans, part of the reason I liked the movie so much is that I was able to invest in the characters. Of course I'm anxious to see how they've grown. And Kevin Smith's wicked sense of humor guarantees that the movie could never be a total loss.

Still, when it comes out, I'm going to have to make a superhuman effort not to hold it to the same standard that was set by its predecessor. I know this, I'll try this, but I can't promise that I can do this. This is a movie that I literally watched every day after I got out of school for two weeks after I bought the VHS. I now own the original DVD and the super-duper extended version. The emotional investiture that makes me care so much about Clerks is what is going to make it hard to accept the sequel for what it is. Especially if the characters I've invested so much in fail to pay out in a way that is nearly as satisfying as the end of the first film.

But you know what? To hell with it. As long as Mallrats 2 isn't Kevin's next project, I'll deal. Check out the trailer -- there's an Affleck sighting.

Yupster?!

2006-01-05T17:42:00.000-05:00

Yupster. It sounds like a file downloading service. But in reality, it's the amalgamation of "yuppie hipster" that is what MSNBC seems to be using to describe the cubicle jockeys such as myself who dig the indie rock and other such media. (Thanks Stereogum)

I was quite excited when I heard this! The thought that there were enough other flourescent tan sporting wage slaves trapped within the imposing walls of modular furniture who listened to music like myself to merit naming in mainstream media was fantastic! I immediately ran from cubicle to cubicle at my office, seeking someone to discuss the greatness of the Wolf Parade record. But alas, the only discussion to be found involved several questions about any medication I might be on or how I found dates. Needless to say, there weren't many "yupsters" to be found.

But in my excitement, I must have overlooked the part of that article that claimed Conor Oberst was our "poster boy". Um...?

Perhaps knowing that fact kept several yupsters at work in the closet, so to speak. It's hard enough being an indie rock fan without some Prada carrying O.C. watcher asking me how great Death Cab For Cutie is, but now people are going to assume I have Bright Eyes CDs? Gah!

I really have nothing against those two bands. They just aren't for me (or if I'm trying to pick up a girl who happens to be a fan -- "I haven't heard enough of their stuff to have an opinion"). Right.

MSNBC needs to get their shit straight. Nobody that works in an office and can afford $35 for a concert ticket on anything resembling a regular basis wants to be associated with emo-hair. Yupsters indeed.

Lessons Learned

2006-01-04T19:28:00.000-05:00

Yeah. So obviously I did not:

Do any of my Best of 2005 over my time off
Work on the site design
Post

Rather than blogging, I spent most of the past week trying to decide if my laundry tub could hold a half-barrel of Miller Lite (answer: yes). So I learned that during long periods of time off, looking through the news, gathering my thoughts, and posting on the internet are not priorities.

I also learned that leaving a post at the top of my page that included the phrase "f****** animals" was most definitely not a good idea. My Statcounter allows me to see how people are referred to my sad little blog here, and let's just say that those two unfortunate words were apparently entered into the MSN Search Engine a few times and led some wacked out pervs here. You people are sick.

No matter how desparate for attention I might be, there will never be pictures of anyone putting it to any of our animal brethren on this site. Promise.

As for the aforementioned Best of 2005 list that both of you are (quite possibly) waiting for? Later. I'm still buying or burning gift cards on CDs from 2005. I can already see the response(s) to my lists as they stand now. "How can you leave off [whatever]?"

Because I probably don't own it. I don't have the disposable income to make anything comprehensive. But damn it if I won't try. It'll get done.

The Ultimate Showdown

2005-12-23T19:25:00.000-05:00

Nothing much to say today other than last minute Christmas shoppers are absolute f***ing animals. So I'll just drop The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. Next week I'm going to attempt to put together a 2005: Year in Review so I can snob everything that bugged me this year. Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday or whatever.

Captain Jackson: Unmasked!

2005-12-22T16:41:00.000-05:00

There is so much that happens in this world that I don't know about. I can't be everywhere and I can't always get all of the news. I know this, and I am cool with this. But every once in a while, a piece of news smacks me in the head that makes me say, "How am I just now hearing about this?"

Such news struck me today in the form of Captain Jackson.

Apparently there was an actual Super Hero just down the road in Jackson, Michigan and somehow this fact escaped me! And I didn't even get to bask in the knowledge that the world was a safer place because as I now find out about this legendary hero, he goes and fucking retires after getting a DUI. Truly it is a sad day, as I have both gained and lost a hero. How shall I carry on?

The knowledge of a forthcoming Radiohead album might be enough to help me force my way through the drudgery of life if I could somehow be assured that it wouldn't totally fucking suck. Come on, boys. I've spent your last two records having discussions with other fans about your latest jaunt that involve all of the following phrases:

"They're trying new things"
"It takes more than one listen"
"It's not easily digestable"

Look. I don't expect Radiohead to remake The Bends, OK Computer or Kid A every time they make a record, and I try not to continually expect that level of greatness, but for the love of porn, give me something that has some re-listen value. I'm sorry, but Amnesiac was awful and Hail to the Thief seemed like a bizarre homage to Pink Floyd at times. I refuse to believe you've shot your wad, and I will still be in line to buy your next masterpiece/exercise in craptacularity. But stop making me and other fans come up with excuses for you. And maybe bring that tour to Detroit. I'm not driving to Canada just to see you.

I hate myself for doing this. I swore that no matter what, I would not mention Pete Dipshit "Babyshambles" Doherty in this blog, ever. But apparently he's like a virus to which all bloggers are susceptible. NME had to post that picture along with their hour-by-hour coverage of whatever this ass clown is doing. That picture just ain't right, although he does seem to be moving on from Kate Moss.

I honestly have no idea what that last article was even about.

In order to balance the universal karmic coolness that was the release of Pitchfork's Top 50 Albums, Rolling Stone had to go and release their ultimately lame Top 50 Records of 2005. I have two words for Kanye West at #1: No. NO!

I also have two words for this: Dear...Barbara (in my best Vince Vaughn). Whitney over at Pop Candy posted the link to...whatever the hell that is. Yeesh.

I'm done and I'm off work for the holidays. I'm going to go put on the Thong Song and tear this place apart. Maybe get around to reshaping this site around while I'm at it.

Trying to stay awake

2005-12-21T19:29:00.000-05:00

Short entry today. I'm still exhausted from staying up to watch last night's Nip/Tuck finale. It was totally worth it. That whole end sequence was just nuts.

Apparently some of the alleged secret prisons that may or may not be being used to interrogate terrorists may or may not being using Eminem music to torture them. When you consider that Nickelback and Ashlee Simspson not only exist, but continue to record albums, you'd think "torture" could be accomplished much more effectively. 24 straight hours of Eminem (short of Cleaning Out My Closet) would just make me rock out. 24 hours of Nickelback would make me want to puncture my eardrums with a flat-head screwdriver.

I totally dig Amazon.com's Recommendations based on my purchasing patterns, the stuff I own and how I rate it. After each suggestion, they are even good enough to tell me why they suggest each item. But to suggest that I'd want to buy an Aphex Twin album because I worship at the feet of Slowdive? The fuck?

It's Pitchfork's Top 50 List!

2005-12-20T17:19:00.000-05:00

Oh happy day! Pitchfork released their Top 50 Albums of 2005 and validated my existence for another year. No surprise that Sufjan Stevens got #1.

For the record, I own exactly five records from that list. But that number will hopefully grow by ten or more by the end of the year (when I plan to submit my own list).

Some notable omissions: Takk... by Sigur Ros, Face the Truth by Steven Malkmus, and The Wilderness's self-titled debut.

And Kanye West at #2? Uh...no. Sorry Kanye. The first half of Late Registration is pretty tight, but the second half is totally weak. I got so bored I barely made it to the end. "Gold Digger" is witty and novel, but it can't carry your ass. No Grammy and no love from TSM. I admit that I don't buy that much hip hop in any given year, but DangerDoom's The Mouse and the Mask was way better.

Terrific. I have to buy another record.

2005-12-19T19:19:00.000-05:00

The Music Genome Project's Pandora website is pretty much the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It is simultaneously the greatest invention ever.

The last thing I need is a website that allows me to type in the names of the bands and songs I dig and have it spit out new bands and songs that I might also dig. But here we are. While some of the connections the project makes are ones that I would never have thought of (The Twilight Singers ---> Bette Midler?), others are disgustingly effective.

Case and point: today at lunch I typed in Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. It started spitting music back at me. Some got the thumbs up, some got the thumbs down. Then it just had to go and hit me with a song by The Hold Steady (some song about hornets...I don't know). I've been reading about these guys for months and it's always the same old thing: great garage rock. Personally, I've had enough garage rock. Any of my three readers should be able to tell that at this point, I'd like the White Stripes to go back into the garage, shut the door and start the car. Needless to say, I didn't run out to check out The Hold Steady armed with that info or it's ubiquitous appearances on many of the end of year Best of 2005 lists I've been seeing.

But now, I've heard the hornet song. And god damn it...it just had to go and be fucking great. So thanks to Pandora, I have to have that CD. Terrific.

The Mondays

2005-12-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

Kudos to the fans of the Detroit Lions for not rioting before, during or after yesterday's debacle against the Bengals. I lost five bucks on your restraint.

I don't know why anyone would go to NME for music news. If the headlines aren't proclaiming Smith's-reunions-without-Moz, they're proclaiming new Pixies's albums that are actually just new compilations of live material from the eternal reunion tour on which Black Francis et al. have embarked. Whoever keeps writing these bait and switch headlines needs to be kicked in the nuts.

And if that wasn't bad enough, they had the gall to publish a list claiming to be the Best Tracks of 2005 with "Blue f'ing Orchid" by the White Stripes at the top of the list. Hey Jack and Meg -- you've exhausted the whole minimalism thing; it's time to hire a bass player. Remind me not to care the next time you puke up another album that clearly shows the limitations of a 2 piece. Just ask Local H.

I take small consolation in the fact that the staggeringly awesome "Rebellion (Lies)" by the Arcade Fire was third when it only ranked #24 on Pitchfork's vastly-superior-despite-this-fact Top 50 Singles of 2005 List. And I'm all about the love that LCD Soundsystem's "Daft Punk is Playing at my House" has been getting.

Back later. Ciao.

Yoko done gone loco...

2005-12-16T19:56:00.000-05:00

Just when you thought that Yoko Ono couldn't exploit John Lennon's legacy any further, she somehow manages to find a way to cross the line from dry-humping said legacy to ass-raping it. I can't begin to imagine what drove her to think that the world needed talking John Lennon action figures, but here they come.

I must have missed the clamoring from Lennon's fans demanding something that would spout "authentic John Lennon phrases" when set off by the motion of a nearby G.I. Joe. Sometimes, I get the impression that Yoko would sell Lennon's blood and sperm (mixed or unmixed) if she had the means. Everything's for sale and it's to honor John. Let's keep honoring him by making Yoko even more stupidly rich. Because God knows, the poor woman needs the money. What, is the bitch freebasing moon rocks?

Better blogs for a better mood...

2005-12-15T21:59:00.000-05:00

Ok. Now that I've gotten Skip temporarily out of my system (poor choice of words) I can get back to more reasonable non sequiturs.

I just added two new blogs to the Better Blogs Than Mine section. THE TEST PILOT and gorilla vs. bear are two really excellent music blogs I found recently. Both of them had great "Indie Rock Christmas" compilations that I can't recommend enough. I was torn about whether to put them in the Sites That Tell Me What Was Cool Yesterday section since they do just that, but they are blogs and most definitely are better than this one, so that's where they landed. Check 'em out. (both found on Pop Candy)

Skip Bayless is a Virulent Douche

2005-12-15T18:42:00.000-05:00

When I created TSM, it wasn't my intention to have it be sports-centric, but when life gives you lettuce and tomatoes, apparently you're forced to make salad.

And Skip Bayless of ESPN is doing a great job of providing the vinegar dressing for that salad. This man, without a doubt, the worst writer/personality that ESPN employs. On a good day, he makes Scoop Jackson look like Hemingway or Woody Paige look like the captain of the local high school debate team, depending on whether you're reading Page 2 or watching Cold Pizza. The man should be ashamed every time he steps in front of a keyboard.

In this particular "article", he seems to think that the mere presence of Pat Riley as coach of the Miami Heat suddenly makes them the favorite in the East. Now, my Pistons-bias aside, Riles ain't gonna make that much of a difference. Oooh...he's going to run the offense through Shaq. Oooh...he can seamlessly integrate Antoine Walker, Gary Payton and Jason Williams. Can he mystically create a three-point shooter that can spread the floor so Dwyane Wade can actually drive the lane and appear as effective as he was last year?

Didn't think so.

Not only was Skippy slobbering all over Riles' man-stick, he was utterly hating on Stan Van "3000" Gundy. All Stan did was take over when Riles decided he didn't want to coach the Heat without Alonzo Mourning and get the team to the playoffs after losing their first 7 games. Then, he got them to the brink of the finals last year. And yes, despite my loyalty to the hometown 'Stones, I will readily admit that the Heat would have made the Finals with a healthy Wade or Shaq. Sure Stan bore an uncanny resemblance to Ron Jeremy, but the man could flat out coach. He kept the Heat alive while Riles pussied out in the front office until he developed the unmitigated gall to think that he could put that team over the top. Stan deserved better than he got and better than Skipper put on him in his article.

Oh, and lest I forget, Skipmeister also has to drop a reminder in nearly every article that he was the writer who always said T.O. was a jackass even when he was tearing it up in Philly last year. Good for you, Skippy. You told us so. Apparently T.O. must have punked Skippy's girl when they were in San Fran because Skip's got nothing but odium for T.O. and loves to let us all know that he knew that shit in Philly was going to go down. Right.

So Skip Bayless becomes the first member of TSM's Virulent Douche Club. Congrats, Skippy. You get to write the charter. Just try not to load it up with T.O.-I'm-so-smart references, you miserable shit.

Il Manifesto

2005-12-14T17:22:00.000-05:00

Blogs are everywhere.

You have to pass a test to drive a car. You have to be approved for a credit card. Paperwork is required to purchase a gun.

Any jerkoff can get a blog and pollute the internet with his or her thoughts.

There are blogs for entertainment, gossip, music, porn, humor, sports, and a seemingly endless supply of funny video clips. MySpace seems to house an inordinate number of goth kids looking for friends, thus providing proof of a counterculture to the already existing subculture (go no further than Gorilla Mask and the Daily Douche to see these and other sad examples of misguided narcissism on the internet).

Blogs are gaining a reputation as legitimate sources of information. Bill O'Reilly frequently commends blogs as "watchdogs" that keep the radical elements of the liberal left honest by disproving their wild accusations (point of order: most of these wild accusations also start on blogs). Other blogs provide timely gossip, new music recommendations, and other information that makes them seem like the place to find the "next big thing".

Fuck that. I can't deal with that pressure.

Sure. Paris Hilton might appear here. Britney Spears too. But I'm not going to scour the internet just so I can report on what they ordered at Starbucks or when their goddamned tits fell out of their dresses. I ain't got time for that shit. And their are enough tits on the internet without putting them here.

But I will let loose once I hear about it.

And once I think of something worth saying about it.

And that will more often than not be during the Sixteenth Minute of the fame that dies after 15.

And it won't be limited to tits. It could be about music, television, books, movies, news , or sports. Or even the seemingly endless supply of funny video clips on the internet. All media and trends are fair game, and none will be spared.

Like this. Newsflash: it's not a Smiths reunion if Morissey isn't there. I don't care if Johnny Marr and Andy Rourke are there. Maybe we can get an Afghan Whigs reunion without Greg Dulli next. Morons. (thanks to Pop Candy for the link)

Kicking it off

2005-12-13T17:40:00.000-05:00

So apparently this is going up near Eastern Market in Detroit. I'd like to believe that the Lions' fans have finally given up hope, but I doubt it. People will still fill Ford Field next year, utterly robbing the Fords of incentive to...oh...I don't know...maybe ACTUALLY IMPROVE THE TEAM! The suffering will never end until until a full boycott of the Lions, Ford automobiles, and the White Stripes takes place (just threw the last one in there). But I'd settle for a Millen Man March.

Seriously. Everyone is getting on board with the Fire Millen thing. And that guy gets a million extra points for name-dropping Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and making Sportsline's general readership give a collective "The fuck?"

Anyone who's seen Deep Blue Sea (both of us) knows that this can't be good. We can only hope that L.L. Cool J will be around to save the day by offering soundtrack support when the mice rise up and attempt to kill us all. This is the end that the Bible Belt's been fearing.

That's all for now. The site design is going to be continually tweaked until my fickle sense of style stops driving me to tweak it. Until then, my hand is like a shark fin.

This post is a test...

2005-12-12T19:41:00.000-05:00

Soon this blog will be filled with things that amuse me. Usually after they've amused the rest of the Western world.