The Sixteenth Minute

Closing up shop

2006-05-10T22:13:00.000-04:00

Blogging bores me. I'm running off and joining the circus. Ciao.

What Would Beetlejuice Do?

2006-05-02T20:23:00.000-04:00

Somedays you just need to put yourself in the shoes of Tim Burton's pseudopsychotic, near-omnipotent bio-exorcist and say "How would Beetlejuice (Betelgeuse...whatever) handle this?" Never underestimate the power to turn yourself into a giant snake and put people into polyester leisure suits at will. It can be a great thing.

You can always tell what's on the pay channels when I'm blogging and have nothing better to talk about.

Scooped by Stereogum

2006-05-01T21:23:00.000-04:00

I just had to go and rant about the Usher-Nazis at the ballgame. I had to defer what I was initially going to post about for a day. And Stereogum had to go and post about it today and make me look like a second-rate poser plagiarist. I'm not saying that I'm not, but there's still no need to draw even more attention to it.

Anyways, I was going to talk about how I had downloaded a great mp3 from a band called Cold War Kids. I was going to talk about how Hospital Beds is such a ridiculously good song that I'm considering ordering the EPs that this band is selling themselves. I was going to say all that stuff, but now that they are officially a Stereogum "Band To Watch", there's no need. Anyone who cares already knows.

I take little comfort in the fact that he probably discovered them at Gorilla vs. Bear just like I did. Very little comfort.

Take Fun Out Of The Ballgame

2006-04-30T21:10:00.000-04:00

Truly a magnificent weekend for a baseball game. The sun was shining, the beer was flowing, and the Twins were playing like a Little League team. Oh it was glorious.

But what the hell is up with the usher-Nazis at Comerica Park? Prior experience has shown that they won't allow people to move forward into empty seats, even after it becomes completely apparent that the seats won't be filled. But this weekend, the SS hit a new low.

Out in the bleachers, a slightly-inebriated gentleman walked to the front of the section in an attempt to start the wave. After unintelligently getting the section to do the wave into the centerfield wall, help was on the way and the section next to us (going in the right direction this time) was on board. The city that invented the wave was about to get one going.

But no. Heaven forbid. Because the Queen Usher-Nazi came to the front and said, while she loved the team spirit, the folks trying to get the wave off the ground had to return to their seats. The city that invented the wave was cockblocked by some douchebag in an office writing rules that don't make sense.

The Tigers haven't had a winning team in 13 years. They don't sell games out. Until recently, there hasn't even been interest in the sport. In the interest of encouraging attendance and fan interest, shouldn't the Copa consider maybe relaxing on the stupid rules and letting the fans indulge in some harmless fun?

At least I finally got my old English D hat this weekend.

The List - 4/23 thru 4/28

2006-04-27T20:43:00.000-04:00

Oh it's time for the second edition of The List. You know...because the first one went so well.

The Good
Pistons up 2-0 on the Bucks.

The Bad
Year 2 of The B-Dawg calling me at least twice a night during each Piston playoff game. Wait at least until the Conference Finals, man!

The Ugly
The fact that we've started to refer to people who get too drunk, hug you, have to get way up in your face to talk to you and end up somehow getting puke on the floor as "B-Dawging it". I'm in no rush to send him a link to this.

The Horrifyingly Bizzare
My strange attraction to Ann Coulter. I don't get it either.

The Reasonably Cool
The Lemonheads sign to Vagrant Records, joining another seminal rocker in Paul Westerberg and a little band I kind of like known as The Hold Steady.

They are also now sharing a label with such vomit-inducing emo bands such as Dashboard Confessional, The New Amsterdams/Get-Up Kids, and once-upon-a-time Sixteenth Minute guilty pleasure-band Saves The Day. I'm still very sorry that I made J-Rob sit through that with me, although it was definitely worth it to see Grandaddy.

The Funny Thing
J-Rob's growing concern that he's become a recurring character on this blog. You're the only real person I talk about this stuff with, man!

The Very Cool
Wall of Sound revival music in the form of The Pipettes, The Carrots, and Detroit's own Saturday Looks Good To Me. Does this mean that The Raveonettes will be considered trendsetters if this sound really takes off?

The Most Disturbing Headline I saw on CNN.com
"Mom in coffin mix-up demands, 'I want my baby'"

Second Most Disturbing Headline I saw on CNN.com
"'Little Mermaid' baby making strides"

Scary Thought
Was one of those really more or less disturbing than the other?

Just Because
Godspeed You Black Emperor!

Best way to spend $.99 at the iTunes Music Store
"Leif Erikson" by Interpol

Have a good weekend and pray the Lions draft a wide receiver.

I need to go CD shopping

2006-04-26T19:18:00.000-04:00

I'm getting twitchy. I haven't been to a record store since my used CD splurge a few weeks ago and I haven't purchased anything new since the Mylo/Band of Horses order around the same time. I need new music!

But I'm being strong. I need to hold out until May because that month is going to break my disposable income budget for most of the summer. Here's just a short list of what I'm looking forward to:

The Walkmen - Hundred Miles Off
I can't really express how much I am looking forward to this one. Their last album, Bows + Arrows, was firmly entrenched in my CD player a full year before they showed up on The O.C. I know that back in 2004, everyone was going apeshit over Funeral by The Arcade Fire, but I think I liked this one better. And that's saying a lot.

Sereena Maneesh - Serena Maneesh
Norwegian shoegaze. Norwegian-fucking-shoegaze. It's been out in the EU for over a year, and now it's getting ready to land here. Cannot wait.

Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere
You knew it was coming. Dangermouse and Cee-Lo Green cranking out psychadelic hip-hop. Dangermouse also did The Mouse and the Mask with MF Doom, and he helped produce the last Gorillaz record, which is interesting me more and more each passing day. As for Gnarls, "Crazy" might just end up being the song of the year.

Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam
Oh yeah. I'll never get sick of these guys. NEVER. I hear that this album might be their best in years, because they may have been phoning it in for their past few to fulfill their contract. And I liked their past few albums.

Side note: I caught Hype!, a 1996 documentary about the Seattle music scene of the 80s/early 90s last night and Eddie Vedder was featured prominently. Man...That guy is one jaded mo-fo!

The Twilight Singers - Powder Burns
Greg Dulli is God. And I mean that in most heretical way possible, because I know he would want me to. If I was forced to find a drawback to any of the Singers' records, it would be that they aren't The Afghan Whigs. Oh well.

I know there will be more. I'm sure there are some that I've forgotten. And I know I'll see something else shiny and interesting or I'll make the foolish mistake of trying something on a listening station. On or around May 23 I'm heading to the store with a mind to buy and little to no regard for how much money I spend.

These are my benders.

When Words Fail

2006-04-25T20:28:00.000-04:00

This is perhaps the singularly most unexpected and creepy thing I can imagine right now. I'm going to hide under the bed.

See more clips from Sesame Street here. Thanks to Pop Candy for the link.

Puzzlement abounds

2006-04-24T19:59:00.000-04:00

Vintage t-shirts kick ass. Now I'm not even going to try and discuss exactly what makes a t-shirt "vintage", but they kick ass. I myself prefer the ones that contain irreverent witticisms. Like Sasquatch Stole My Underpants.

Yes. I own one of those.

But let's be frank. T-shirts at places like The Cotton Factory only cost like $15-$20. So when you get the Jim Morrison or Jimi Hendirix t-shirt, it's pretty clear that it's not an original. No, the twenty-something hipster with the shaggy locks, pre-worn jeans and canvas sneakers did not, in fact, purchase that shirt at a Jimi Hendrix concert. He may not even own a Jimi Hendrix CD. But damn it if he doesn't look cool in the shirt.

Now I can't speak for the cool kids in New York or San Francisco, but I'm reasonably sure that most of those around these parts who dig these kinds of shirts pick them up at thrift stores, the internet or Hot Topic. That is to say, these shirts are affordable. I don't see a guy in a I Pity The Fool shirt and think "Lawyer" or "Doctor" or "Any kind of guy that can afford and would wear a t-shirt that cost more than 30 bucks".

Then I go and see this. This, in and of itself, doesn't scare me. I can see charging $1250 for a t-shirt signed by 27 of the performers from a massive concert event. But look again. Look right below the price.

Sizing directions.

What kind of person spends that kind of scratch on a signed t-shirt and wears it?

Now this is an extreme example. I looked at most of the shirts for sale. Lots were in the $50-$70 range. Much more reasonable, right?

I mean, who wouldn't want to wear an authentic t-shirt from the Jesse Colin Young Light Shine Tour?

Keeping it real is good. But not if it means paying $50 for a t-shirt. I can look a much better kind of cool for that kind of money.

The Myth Of Hockeytown

2006-04-23T19:46:00.000-04:00

I like taking stances that defy convention. It makes me feel rebellious.

One of the conventions that comes with living in the Detroit area is that you are a Red Wings fan. When the playoffs begin, you not only care but also have to be prepared to discuss the current situation with any given jackass off the street. "Hey. D'you catch last night's Wings' game?" is a siren song whose call cannot be refused. It's supposed to be ingrained into our genetics as residents of Southeastern Michigan. We have our Red Wings, our Coney Dogs, our Bob Seger, our Kid Rock and our White Stripes. These things are more or less sacrosanct.

Well fuck that. Give me Coney Dogs and Seger and keep the rest. I'm not going to waste my energy feigning interest in anything hockey-related from here forward. Any attempts to engage me in discussion about the NHL Playoffs will be met with a hearty "Fuck hockey!"

But my issue here isn't hockey on the whole. It's local Red Wings fans. Because there is a very noted difference between a hockey fan and a Red Wings fan. A hockey fan can be a Red Wings fan, but a Red Wings fan is almost never a hockey fan.

You see, for most of the 1990s, the Red Wings were the only Detroit sports franchise that had consistent success. The Tigers blew, the Pistons were in transition, and the Lions were just being themselves. Only in the Red Wings could the average Detroiter find a shining example of a winner. Only the Red Wings could provide the terrific sense of community that comes with following a local sports team through the playoffs. You see, Detroiters weren't interested in watching the Red Wings play hockey; they were interested in watching the Red Wings win. So in Detroit's efforts to rebuild it's image over the last decade, it attached itself to the most recognizable positive aspect about itself: it's winning hockey team.

That's fine. We are indeed fair weather fans. The only sport that manages to arouse passion in us whether the team is winning or losing is football.

And nicknaming Detroit "Footballtown" is such a sad idea that I'm simultaneously laughing and crying as I type this.

Look. I'm fine with people loving their Red Wings. I'm not saying they shouldn't. But don't pretend it's hockey that you love. Over the past year when the NHL was on strike, I had many discussions with many so-called "hockey fans" that were lamenting the absence of hockey from their lives. While I don't care for hockey, it's not from ignorance. I know a reasonable amount about the sport, and I consider my decision not to pretend to like it to be an informed one. So during these discussions, I attempted to engage in intelligent discourse about the problems of the game. Almost to a person, the discussions went like this:

"Hockey Fan": Man! Fuck those greedy owners! I can't believe they shut down the season.
Me: But most of the teams in the league are losing money. They aren't creating new fans in the markets that they over-aggressively expanded into.
"HF": No way man. Hockey rules!
Me: Well, you have to admit that clutching and grabbing and the trap defense have made the game kind of tough to watch over the past few years.
"HF": Yeah. But hockey rules!
Me: They're talking about rule changes to open up the game. What do you think about going to Olympic ice?
"HF": ...
Me: Or reducing the penalties for fighting so enforcers have a place in the game again. That Bertuzzi hit on Moore never would have happened with an enforcer on the ice.
"HF": ...
Me: That would mean more fighting. And higher scoring.
"HF": ...
Me: Or you could have shootouts instead of ties. Nobody likes a tie.
"HF": Hockey rules!

The average "Red Wings fan" couldn't even tell me why what he was watching was dull, only that he loved watching it. So long as "it" was the Red Wings winning. Occasionally I'd get an enlightened soul who said that the trap defense was indeed ruining the sport but rule changes would affect the purity of the game. Fine. I can respect that. But there weren't too many of those respectable purists out there.

My point is that Detroit isn't Hockeytown. It's Red Wings-town. And that's cool. But if/when the Wings start losing, all of these "die-hards" will suddenly forget all about it.

Want more proof? Ask yourself what you know about Detroit. I mean the actual city of Detroit. Ask yourself how many actual hockey or Red Wings fans actually live in the city limits. Does it sound right to call a city "Hockeytown" when most of the city's actual residents don't give a shit about the sport?

Finally, let me tell you the final question that I posed to the "Red Wings fans" that I spoke with over the last year, and you decide if this city/area really bleeds with the Red Wings enough to call Detroit "Hockeytown".

"Would you trade all 3 of our Stanley Cups over the past decade for a Lions' Super Bowl?"

The answer was nearly unanimous. And it didn't bode well for those that really believe in "Hockeytown". But it did make me believe in the most fair-weather fans in the country.

Ask and ye shall receive

2006-04-21T17:25:00.000-04:00

Wasn't going to post until Monday but this site is just too awesome. It's called Videoteque and it's a blog dedicated to music videos. It seems like just yesterday that I was lamenting the lack of videos on MTV or elsewhere. Wait, it was yesterday...

The List - Inaugural Edition

2006-04-20T18:09:00.000-04:00

What it is:
A bullet-point collection of the thoughts and such that I had during the week that were too short and too off-point to develop into a full post.

Why it is:
I lose focus as the week progresses and run out of things to talk about by Friday. This will help me fill the void.

Without further ado...

The Good
NBA Playoffs are beginning. Go Pistons!

The Bad
NHL Playoffs are beginning. Who cares?

The Ugly
Puke stains on rugs.

The Terrifyingly Unneccessary
Having a discussion with your father where he tells you he knows what a spinner is.

The Very Cool
The videos for Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" and Wolf Parade's "Modern World". Remember when you used to be able to see things like this on MTV?

Good News For Nickelback
Apparently they don't have the worst song of all time. Who knew?

Bad News For Nickelback
They're still Nickelback.

Bad News For All Non-Deaf People In The World
See above.

Just Because
The Catherine Wheel.

Best Way To Spend $.99 at the iTunes Store
"Banging Camp" by The Hold Steady.

Thing That Almost No One Else Will Get
The content room died two years ago today.

Thing That Really Isn't Coming Off As Witty As I Hoped
This list.

Until next week...

I'd rather be golfing

2006-04-19T19:56:00.000-04:00

But no. My lawn, in a completely unexpected move, came back to life after dying last fall. The newly re-animated zombie grass has risen from the great beyond and demands sacrifice in the form of weekly or bi-weekly mowings. Normally sunlight and holy water are enough to kill these undead abominations, but in this case they seem to be having the opposite effect. Curses!

I never knew that Fall Out Boy and the Killers were feuding. Nor did I care. (What the fuck could these guys be fighting over? Seriously! "We're bigger douches! No! We're bigger douches!") But now it seems that the fine lads in Fall Out Boy are extending the olive branch and trying to make peace.

I can only hope that this dinner date does in fact take place and ends like The Spice Girls vs. Hanson, Celebrity Deathmatch Style.

(Warning: First attempt at embedding a YouTube thingy is about to take place.)

Sweet. It even centered. Marilyn Manson saves the day, as usual.

Procrastination pays off now: 2005 rocked

2006-04-18T17:58:00.000-04:00

Day 2 of the Opera Experiment. There seem to be some small issues with opening Quicktime files and the such in new windows or tabs. Then again, that could just be my fritzy internet connection.

For those that give a shit, you may have noticed that The Hold Steady has insidiously worked it's way back into my car CD player. I can't get enough of it (although I do periodically require a change of pace). It's the record that single-handedly derailed my efforts to compile and post a Best of 2005 list anywhere near the end of last year. Stupid great rock music.

That said, and buoyed by the fact that nothing has really happened lately that makes me think I can write something worth reading, I've decided to toss convention to the wind and post my Best of 2005 musings now in April. I can only hope that people's saturation with other end-of-year lists has subsided. Anyways...

Best Record of 2005 That Wasn't The Hold Steady (aka Best as of 31 December 2005)
A tie between Clap Your Hands Say Yeah: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and Wolf Parade: Apologies to the Queen Mary

I was honestly wavering between these two on about an hourly basis until you-know-who rocked my world. CYHSY rode a tidal wave of young blog-ridden hype into my collection without me ever having heard a song. When I heard the carnival-driven tones of the first track, I thought I'd made a terrible, terrible mistake and stumbled into some post-rock joke that I was doomed not to get. Fortunately, the rest of the album turned out to be flat out spectacular, wearing it's influences on it's sleeve as I debated whether any given track brought to mind The Talking Heads or what little Yo La Tengo I've listened to. "The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth" and "Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood" are my faves. Child stars, indeed.

Wolf Parade arrived in my world the day after CYHSY. I had been listening to the latter pretty much non-stop when I insisted J-Rob come over and check it out. He brought Apologies to the Queen Mary and we held a small listening party. After telling the roommate, whom we graciously allowed to sit in, to kindly shut the fuck up while we listened to our music, it was made abundantly clear who was by far the best of the Wolf-bands from last year (with all apologies to AIDS Wolf). A big deal was made about the recording of the album being done by Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse, and his influences are certainly felt at times. But I have to wonder what they put in the water in Montreal, as the past two years have given us these guys and The Arcade Fire. "Shine a Light" and "Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts" are an irresistable one-two punch at the center on this album.

Best Overhyped Album That Reminded Me Why I Hate Genrefication
Sufjan Stevens: Illinois
I have never had any reason to be interested in "folk" music. While the tradition of "folk" may include Bob Dylan, it also includes Arlo Guthrie. And I still insist that anyone who wasn't alive in the 60s when Dylan was most relevant has little to no business touting his genius (at least to the degree that the morons I knew in college did). The soundtrack of a revolution requires context to truly be understood, and 20-something hipster vultures lack that context.

Back on point...this album was great and it infuriates me that I was so quick to dismiss it based on it's stereotypification (is that a word?) as "folk". Either that or my incredibly myopic idea of what constitutes "folk" is even worse than I thought.

Best Album That Made Me Reconsider My Stance On Remixes...for about a minute
Bloc Party: Silent Alarm Remixed
This took BALLS. To offer a remix of an already great album in the same year that the album came out? This was bold. This was brassy.

I, myself, have never been brassy. Kudos.

Best Albums By Bands That Could Totally Be Forgiven For Phoning In Their Next Records-or-Three
The New Pornographers: Twin Cinema and Sigur Ros: Takk...
Seriously kids. Take it easy on yourselves. You've earned a little slack.

And someone please tell me how to make the little acute accent over the "o" in "Ros".

Best Record Featuring a Loud, Obnoxious, Cartoon Milkshake
DangerDoom: The Mouse & The Mask
MF Doom is good. Dangermouse is good. The Williams Street gang from Adult Swim is outstanding. So was this record.

Just for the hell of it
LCD Soundsystem
Anytime you get a record this good out of the used bin, you keep the receipt. Or find the person who sold it back and encourage them not to breed. Or both.

Beacuse it needed to be said
Royksopp
I need to find their first record. And how to make an umlaut.

Record That Probably Would Have Rounded Out The Top Five If I Felt Like Doing Things In A Linear Manner
Wilderness: Wilderness
I SO can't wait to get the follow up to this one.

Two Words To Describe What I'm Looking Forward To That Hasn't Been Released In The U.S. Yet (that aren't Gnarls Barkley)
Serena Maneesh

That's about all I feel like getting into. I also liked Franz Ferdinand and Frank Black last year, and Audioslave was so bad that it made me want to vomit blood. But at least it's on file now. If I forgot it, I probably don't own it. Such is the tragedy of not being able to put all of my disposable income into music, or being cool enough that I could invest that income well without recommendation.

So this is what the cool kids are doing...

2006-04-17T17:36:00.000-04:00

First blog post using the Opera browser. The first irritating thing that I've noticed is that hitting Ctrl-B opens some kind of Help page rather than allowing me to type in bold. In fact, it looks like I'm going to have to do my entries directly in HTML. This could get ugly.

(Update: I see that Opera is not yet Blogger-friendly. Tits.)

I now have Opera on my laptop because it was installed by a youngster who may or may not have been inebriated (I didn't see him drink anything. Honest.) at my house on Saturday. He said it's better than Firefox and IE put together. Ok. But karma is a bitch. One kid gets corrupted at your house and you end up with a puke stain on your living room carpet and a giant pink dildo hidden inside your desktop computer.

I have sick friends.

Didn't have time to post a lot last week because I forgot that when work sends me offsite, it's to do a shitload of actual work and I don't much feel like blogging after a good 11 hours at work doing that. Sorry.

All you may have missed out on is my excitement over the new Wilderness record. 7.5 was the rating, which puts it firmly at "I'll probably really like it" on my scale of Pitchfork-to-me ratings translation.

However, due to constricting financial concerns, I probably won't be obtaining this record until may, when several other records that I am severely excited about come out. The Twilight Singers comes to mind, and it's going to get expensive from there. To whichever record store I choose to grace with my spending spree: I am a major cash windfall. Pander to me.

I'm back. Hopefully my schedule permits me to stay that way.

It's too nice out to blog...

2006-04-11T17:28:00.000-04:00

I think it would be nice to hear a human interest story about a young girl who actually did put herself through college by doing porn and ended up with a great job. How come we never hear about things like that?

Fuck this. I'm going outside.

Everything All Of The Time

2006-04-10T11:50:00.000-04:00

Ahhh. Work has taken me off-site this week. While that means that I have to go out for lunch, rather than enjoying sandwiches in the warm, cheap comfort of my rental home, it does mean that I get to sit and sponge free wi-fi while I eat. I could do that at home, but it just feels so much more insubordinate to do it elsewhere. Cry anarchy!

So, about that Band of Horses CD. Let's get it out of the way..."The Funeral" is going to be on my shortlist of favorite songs of 2006. Hands down, bar none, in-the-fucking-bag, It's that good. The only downside to a song like that is that it generally tends to be the apex of an album and you find yourself resenting the other songs for not living up to that standard. And that bar can get pretty damned high.

But that's why you listen to CDs multiple times. Sure, "The Funeral" is the best song on the record, but after a few spins I realized I was humming along with most of the other songs as well. They'd even be in my head after I was done. The songs have a very subdued verse style that either remains low-key or grows into an intense chorus. Either way, it's great stuff.

What to compare it to? I wish I was able to buy all the CDs I wanted so I could provide a proper frame of reference. But that's why I'm just a total, full-of-shit blogger and not a journalist working for a music publication. I have no aspirations of quitting my day job. If you like indie-pop that can be categorized as "pretty", there's a good chance you'll like this CD. Call it early Coldplay if Coldplay wasn't so concerned about making everybody like them.

God, I hate comparing something I like to Coldplay. May I be forgiven for the insult.

(Who am I kidding? "Speed of Sound" was the shit.)

Nothing else new to report short of talking about the unintentional comedy that is on display in the bars and clubs of Royal Oak. Not to be a hater, but here's some free advice to the free world: If your best (and only) dance move is essentially running in place to the beat (more or less), you probably shouldn't approach girls on the dance floor using said move. It's telling when the girls would rather dance with me and my "rhythmless white man" impression.

Hey...I only almost elbowed a girl in the face.

The metaphor of the thumb

2006-04-07T20:15:00.000-04:00

Once upon at time, a dashing young cubicle jockey had to use the restroom at work. He went and discovered, much to his chagrin, that the restroom on his floor was temporarily closed for cleaning. Undaunted, he went upstairs to use the bathroom on that floor.

Upon arrival, he discovered that the latch to the stall door he was attempting to lock was installed incorrectly; the piece on the door didn't line up with the piece on the frame. Feeling the need for privacy, he he able to force the two pieces into proper alignment and locked the door. When his need was fulfilled and his business completed, he again struggled to open the latch. He finally succeeded, but only after pinching the skin at the tip of this right thumb between the pieces of the latch. In slight discomfort, he paid it no mind and returned to his floor.

During his return journey, he had opportunity to wave to one of the many cute girls that work around him. After the wave, with a smile on his face, he felt a sticky sensation on the same right hand that had been so integral to the opening of the dastardly latch. Examining his hand, what he saw was the second worst thing a man can see on his hand after dropping a deuce in the bathroom: blood. Apparently, when he pinched his thumb in the latch, he had done so to such a degree that it had caused a deep cut in the skin, which was now bleeding.

And not just on the hand. He immediately checked and found that blood had streaked on his shirt and pants during the walk downstairs. "Goodness," he said. "I'm bleeding all over myself. If only I had worn darker, less valuable clothing on casual Fridays like everyone else. These Dockers might be ruined!"

He attempted to rinse the blood out with cool water, but to no avail. He knew that his only chance to save the shirt and pants was to rinse them with hydrogen peroxide. But where to find such a thing at the office? Ah ha! The occupational health center!

Somewhat similar in nature to a school nurse, the health center held basic medical supplies for small emergencies. Although the cut was really rather minor, the dashing cubicle jockey felt more vanity for his pants than pride in his toughness. He made his way to the health center.

Arriving at the health center, he politely asked the attending nurse or temp or whomever she was for a bandage and some hydrogen peroxide. She replied, "You don't use peroxide on a cut like that."

"It's not for the cut. It's for this," and he gestured to his pants.

"Oh." She led him to the back.

During the short trip to the back, he explained how he had obtained the injury. She immediately asked, "Do you want a tetanus shot?"

Being practical, he replied, "Is it going to cost me anything?" He didn't particularly want a shot, but hey, if it was free, why not?

She indicated that she would have to refer him to a health clinic down the road to administer the shot. Thinking about it, he decided that pinching his thumb between two pieces of chromed metal probably didn't merit actually driving somewhere to get a shot. He politely refused, explaining, "It's not that serious. I wouldn't have come down here if I hadn't needed your peroxide."

While she cleaned and dressed the wound, she continued on, asking him if he wanted to file a work-related injury report. Then she again recommended getting the tetanus shot. Once again he politely refused. His thumb cleaned and bandaged, and his shirt and pants rescued by the grace of a God who invented hydrogen peroxide, he thanked the woman/nurse/temp and returned to his desk to muddle the way through the rest of his day.

Upon arriving at home for the weekend, he chose to write an entry about the situation in his blog rather than talking about the Band of Horses CD that he hadn't gathered his thoughts on yet. He called it a "metaphor", even though there was nothing slightly metaphoric about it. He just hoped people would think it sounded cool.

The end.

Q + A with the Author (me)

2006-04-06T19:11:00.000-04:00

Where the fuck have you been?
Shit happens. I've spent the last two nights rebuilding my desktop PC, which tried to eat itself last week.

What the hell does The Sixteenth Minute mean?
It's a play on the expression "fifteen minutes of fame". It means that I generally discover stuff like music after it's been declared cool; I'm not good enough to get in on the ground floor.

Why do you hate on The Killers so much?
Short answer: they're terrible. Slightly longer answer: I like "Mr. Brightside", but every other song I've heard by them is derivative and annoying. Their music is generally a grotesque pastiche of better "neo-new wave" bands that are out today. And they're arrogant fucks.

Won't you get kicked out of Southeastern Michigan for ripping on The White Stripes the way you do?
Probably. But God help me, I really feel they've accomplished everything they can as a two piece and I hate it when a band keeps recycling the same sound or material over and over again. Or it might be since I live in the Detroit area, I've just suffered from Jack and Meg overload. Plus, Jack's a arrogant fuck.

Is their anything you like that normal people may have heard of?
Yes.

Isn't doing a Q + A with yourself slightly unhealthy?
Probably, but I'm a little short on material this week and I felt the need to post something today. I'll try and talk about the Band of Horses CD tomorrow.

Mondays, Mylo and fun stuff at Pitchfork

2006-04-03T19:14:00.000-04:00

Nothing like coming back from a long weekend spent on an impromptu trip to a college town to drop excessive amounts of money on a mountain bike and party with the dregs of Generation Y. My God, how I weep for the youth.

At least my generation knows that you don't have to let cops into your party.

Been getting WAY into the Destroy Rock & Roll by Mylo. "In Your Arms" has tapped into my love for all things 80s by looping "Bette Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes into a techno'd up piece of gold. It's probably the best techno/dance I've listened to since I heard Paul Oakenfold's Tranceport during that whole dalliance that mainstream taste had with the genre in the late 90s.

Yes. I said "dalliance". Don't dilute yourselves, all you ravers and technophiles: average Joe music fan doesn't give a shit about your music for the most part, no matter how prevalent you think your "scene" has become. Movement (aka The Detroit Electronic Music Festival) was only as popular as it was because there was free admission. It'll never be as huge now that people have to pay for it, and that's a direct indictment of your "scene".

Why, no. I've never met any members of that particular scene that were even more insufferable douches about their music than I am about mine. Why do you ask?

Moving forward...I found lots of interesting stuff at Pitchfork today. First there was the incredibly interesting article about the status of the RIAA's persecution of file sharers.

Unsolicited flash editorial from the author: I don't condone stealing music. I stopped downloading mp3s through P2P services years ago, although I'll obviously still download stuff that is released with the consent of the artist. I don't burn the CDs that I buy for anyone. I purchase tracks off of iTunes. That said, I don't believe that downloading music is a crime; being forced to pay $18 for a Steve Miller CD when you know the only song you give a shit about is "The Joker", however, should be punishable by castration.

Prosecution of "illegal" file sharers, in my opinion, is just the RIAA's way of getting revenge on the world for getting caught with their pants down when it came to the whole digital music revolution. It's your fault you didn't try to leverage the new medium when it became obvious that it was going to be big. It's here to stay. Just look at Gnarls Barkley. Quit taking it out on your clientele.

The 'Fork also gave the new Flaming Lips record a 6.7 rating. Experience has taught me that anytime they give a record by an established band a rating between 6 and 7, they're basically saying that they hate it, but are too afraid to say so because the band in question has too much "cred". Anyone who reads that review knows that the reviewer hates the record or doesn't "get it", and lacks the onions to say so.

Finally, PF tells me that Courtney Love has sold a 25% stake in Nirvana's catalogue. Oh you marvelous crackwhore. How the fuck did you end up with a 98% stake when Dave and Krist did all the work? You bitch.

It's all good

2006-03-30T16:35:00.000-05:00

I'm done with work until Monday.

Band of Horses is on my iTunes. Mylo is on deck.

And the rumors of The Replacements cutting new tracks is true.

The new songs, "Message to the Boys" and "Pool & Dive" will be featured on a retrospective, which is industry-speak for "Greatest Hits Album" when the band in question didn't really have any "hits", so to speak. I suppose it beats calling it a "Best of...".

The album looks to feature material from their days on TwinTone Records, which I can only assume means that the band did not, in fact, steal the master tapes and throw them in some river in Minnesota after signing to a major label. That, my friends, is a good thing, because yours truly is tired of listening to "Within Your Reach" in that muted version that appears on most early 80s CDs.

Why not buy the remastered versions, you ask? Several reasons. One...I had all of The 'Mats' records before the remasters came out, and despite the fact that I got most of them used, I had a real problem with buying the same albums twice. I oppose the cheap marketing ploy that is remastering and remixing in an effort to squeeze extra blood from the rock that is my bank account. Shame on you, record companies. Shame.

Two...the above article inidicates that a comprehensive boxed set is forthcoming sometime next year. I may refuse to buy a remaster that I already own, but I have no problem buying a remaster if you put it in a snazzy package with other remasters and possibly some other shit which, while being reasonably cool, does nothing to justify the obscene price that will undoubtedly be attached to said collection.

Nobody ever said music snobs made sense.

(I also have no problem buying an album twice if for whatever reason, my first copy of it "mysteriously disappears", such as was the case with my copy of All For Nothing/Nothing For All, the first Replacements "retrospective" that didn't include the TwinTone stuff, but did include some cool B-sides and rarities. Ahem.)

I may post my thoughts on the new CDs tomorrow or next week. Haven't decided. I just know that for the right now, it's all good (and alright, for that matter).

Quit teasing me

2006-03-29T16:30:00.000-05:00

Oh you magnificent bastards (of young)! Don't you do this to me. I've lived long enough to see one band that I idolize reform for at least a tour (The Pixies). Don't start jerking me off about another one if you're not going to follow through.

Remaining members of prodigal 80s rock band The Replacements may be in the studio laying down new tracks. (Thanks Pop Candy)

Whether it's true or not, we don't know.

Whether these may be tracks for a speculated box set (which I would have to buy despite owning every CD they've made, short of the impossible to find Shit, Shower and Shave), we don't know.

Whether it means that Tommy Stinson has finally realized that playing guitar for whatever abominable shit that's passing itself off as Guns N'Roses isn't really worth it, we don't know.

I have to admit, the mere idea that The 'Mats could reunite and record new songs before The Chinese Democracy ever sees the light of day makes me positively giddy. Well...maybe not giddy, but man would that be funny.

Just make it true! Just one new song would be fantastic!

And if they wanted to throw a tour in there...that's ok too.

Hey! Maybe some music...stuff.

2006-03-28T17:05:00.000-05:00

Enough ranting about sports. God will have his vengeance on all of the Morrison haters (or A-Mo as I like to call him).

Should be another decent week around here music-wise. Mylo and Band of Horses should be arriving shortly. Mylo came out almost two years ago in the U.K., which makes me think that my British brethren are holding back the good shit to punish me for hating on all of the stuff they overhype. The Go! Team had to re-record some tracks to release their record here because the U.K. version had some "questionable" samples, and now this. Fine. Occasionally you guys get the inside track on great music.

I'll still never forgive you for thinking The Killers matter.

Band of Horses also excites me greatly. As my longtime reader(s?) remember, I kind of went apeshit over The Funeral. I don't hesitate to say that even if that's the only good song on the CD, it will have been worth the purchase.

I highly doubt that will be the case. But I have been wrong.

All that remains today is general media desiderata.

Kill me now. Kurt would have HATED shit like that.

Three words: Gnarls fucking Barkley. Cee-Lo and Dangermouse. DM's collaboration with MF Doom (aka DangerDoom) was stellar, and judging by the track GB is beaming, it'll be just as good.

Finally...a few cool mp3 sites are added to the roll. Who Needs Radio is an excellent, ecletic, multi-authored site who just seem to be doing it out of love for music. Carry on, guys.

And tmwsiy* has also been bringing the hook-up with the good stuff. Give both sites a check.

Hang the Sportswriters

2006-03-27T19:21:00.000-05:00

I could absolutely kill the sportswriters today.

All weekend really. Those insipid douchenozzles have been endlessly ripping Gonzaga's Adam Morrison since his team lost in the Elite Eight of the NCAA Tournament. Why? Because the guy had the audacity to cry when his team blew a lead in the waning minutes of the game. Heaven forfend.

They've been posting pictures of his pained visage. They've been endlessly beating the drum about how it should affect his draft status. About half a dozen of the unoriginal hacks made some wisecrack about how Morrison has greater claim to LSU's Glen "Big Baby" Davis's nickname.

Hysterical. Really. Pat yourselves on the backs and remember how you were all cut from any and every sports team you ever tried out for.

The world needs to chill the fuck out about this. Sure, he may have started losing it with time left in the game when he could have been going for the game-tying/winning shot, but let's not forget one simple fact.

He's only 21 years old.

God forbid he be competitive. God forbid he be emotionally invested in the game. God forbid he wear his heart on his sleeve.

God forbid he act his age.

The writers can crack bitter all they want. In anywhere from the next 6 to 18 months (depending if he decides to stay in school or not), Adam Morrison will be making more money than all of them put together, be more famous than all of them put together, and he'll be fucking supermodels and groupies that put their wives to shame.

You rock on, Adam Morrison. Never change and never shave.

The World is a Strange Place

2006-03-24T15:57:00.000-05:00

Most days, I think I have pretty firm grasp on things. I admit that there's a lot that I don't understand in this world, but I feel like very little should be able to leave me slack-jawed and stupified at what people are doing with their spare time.

And the world, how it enjoys proving me wrong! For there can be no other explanation for cutouts of Val Kilmer's head appearing all over the streets of Toronto. I recognize that celebrity worship is a sad fact of human existence in today's society and that people are going to inevitably take things to bizarre extremes, but come the fuck on! I know the man is a real genius and that I've gone on record as saying that there's no such thing as too much Val Kilmer, but at the time I didn't realize that might extend to putting cutouts of his head all over a major metropolitan area.

Who am I kidding? I'm just jealous that I didn't think of it. The Qdoba downtown in The R.O. could use a little Kilmer. We all could.

But dammit if that was only the second weirdest fucking thing I've seen today. Because Stereogum went and produced Nude Britney Spears Giving Birth on a Bearskin Rug (maybe work-safe, but pretty fucked up nonetheless). Somebody actually sculpted a life-sized, naked and pregnant Britney that is apparently on display here (ditto the last parenthetical).

In doing so, they forced my hand and ended my moratorium on Britney-related anything. Expect updates on where you can get K-Fed's new "album" in the near future, as well as pictures of him doing things that clearly indicate that Britney is too good for him. Wait...

Stereogum also put up some pretty damned good mp3s by a band called Candy Bars. I can't figure out if it's "Candy Bars" or "The Candy Bars", but I suddenly find myself not caring that much and moving on with my life. The songs are worth a listen, and that's all the point I'm trying to make. And hopefully it will wipe the taste of the whole naked pregnant Britney thing out of your mouths.

The bridges, they are a-burning

2006-03-23T16:36:00.000-05:00

Anyone watch South Park last night?

Wow. Just wow. I guess Trey and Matt either have more insight on the subject than Roger Friedman, they don't know what he's been reporting, or they're just ignoring him. Because last night they sent Isaac 'Chef' Hayes a missive that clearly states that under no circumstances can he come back if he has a shred of dignity or any faith at all in his beliefs.

As goofy and out there as average Joe Blogger may find Scientology, it's what the man believes in. And last night's episode pretty much skewered his religion to such an extent that I can't forsee any possible way that any self-respecting Scientologist could work with the creators again after seeing it.

It really makes me hope that the reports of Hayes' stroke are either false or exaggerated, and that it truly was his wish to quit the show. If what Roger Friedman reported is true, then Hayes neither wanted to leave the show nor could he afford to at this point in time. So if that was the case, this is an unfortunate situation that absolutely nobody comes out of as a winner.

Then again, this whole situation might be a joke. As a fan who sat through the April Fools'/Cartman's Father/Terrence and Phillip Special back in the day, I wouldn't put it past the sick bastards.

Highly unlikely? Yes.

Totally outside the realm of possibility? Eh?